Vampiress Review: "Perfect Creature"

The Gist:  A female police officer trying to solve the case of random animalistic murders ends up in the middle of a blood feud between two vampire brothers.  One of which wants to destroy humanity by spreading a plague using his blood.

Female Vampire Factor: I guess you can kind of count the people infected by the tainted blood as vampires.

But as far as any main characters the answer is sadly no, the female lead is not turned.

Final Opinion: I give this a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  Decent action/horror flick but you only have one female lead and this is a "does she or doesn't she turn" film as she is bitten and does drink from a vampire.

In spite of that she does not turn.  On top of that only the two main vampires of the film have fangs (also a female vampire baby born at the end but I don't count that).  Basically the first half of the film is a pandemic movie and the second a vampire film.  Outside of the lack of sexy vampirism I did enjoy it though.

Vampiress Review: "The Dead Matter"

The Gist: After a ritual in the woods she hoped would bring back her deceased brother a girl gains the ability to control the dead as zombies with a pendant. Unfortunately this makes her a target for  vampires looking for it.

Female Vampire Factor: A women who works in a lab with one of the main characters "Frank" is revealed to secretly be a vampire.

In one of the big reveals of the movie, Frank finds out that he was working on a drug that makes vampires immune to sunlight (he thought the lab he worked for made diet drugs).  Just prior to this big reveal another female co-worker of Franks named Angela begins to ryth in pain and runs into the hallway. When another guy comes to check on her she turns and goes on a rampage.

Other vamps in the film include early in the movie the main protagonist Gretchen has a nightmare featuring vampire children

and finally there's also a vampire drug dealer who surrounds himself with beautiful vampiresses.

Final Opinion:  This movie takes a LONG time to get going but once it does it's a very good vampire film.  Problem is you pretty much have to be confused for roughly and hour before the vampire stuff which makes up the last 20 minutes.  The rest of the film I found myself just wondering why anyone was hanging out with this Gretchen woman (the one who wants to raise her brother from the dead) who was downright creepy the whole movie and for a good portion of the film had a pet zombie (spoiler alert, that's not normal).  Because of that, arguably the main protagonist of the film is way creepier than any of the monsters.

If I have one real complaint it's that most of the stuff that happens vampire wise in the first hour of the film does not matter.  I'm guessing the idea was to put it in there to throw you off that way the big reveal of who the main vampire is come off as a surprise but that would have been better done if instead of concentrating on vampires who wouldn't last to see the end of the film as if they were important they would have fleshed out the character "Frank" more who was treated as a background character even though he is eventually revealed to be a major part of the vampires plan.  I give this movie a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  I will say Angela's turn is up there with the Mara turn from the original Subspecies.  That's high praise.

Vampiress Review: "Bullets, Fangs and Dinner at 8"

The Gist:  A vampire hunter is in a blood feud with a vampire who has infiltrated a church as an associate minister.

Female Vampire Factor:  There are a ton of them thrown at you in the films final act as you find out that basically the minister has a bunch of humans trapped in his garage being fed on by vampires. It's a montage style segment so none really get much screen time.

Outside of that you have a scene towards the beginning showing that he has human followers that dress like vampires that get ambushed in a nightclub by the vampire hunters.

Final Opinion: Looking at the cover and title I was expecting a comedy. Thing is this movie is entertainingly funny at times but not on purpose as it's supposed to be a deep horror/drama.  What I mean by deep horror/drama is the film literally starts with a church mass shooting.  In fact there is way too much shooting in this films first act with the first 20 minutes of the film being absolutely un-needed and being 100% skippable since it's unimportant to the plot. 

The second act is when you get to the entertainingly funny stuff as it's a bunch of people talking about how they need to kill each other instead of just doing it and when they (over) explain why they won't the explanations are just weird ("I just killed a nightclub full of people harboring vampires but if I kill this one vampire guy police might get involved because he's clergy" or "I know you know I'm a vampire but I'm going to go ahead and pretend I don't know even though we're literally in my house alone"). 

To explain above, the vampire associate minister and one of the members of the church who is also a vampire slayer absolutely know each others secrets so they just act super awkward to each other and somehow no one around them picks up on it.

The last act is when they remember "oh yeah this is a vampire movie".  This is when the Dinner Party in the title comes about and all the vampirism happens including pretty much everything in the Female Vampire Factor.  Intelligently pretty much the entire trailer comes from this portion.

I give this a Vampire Beauty Rating of  2 out of 5.  If  the first 2/3rds of the movie was like the last 3rd it'd be pretty good.  Even saying that the most hilariously absurd part of the film is the ending so watch at your own risk or just skip straight to the dinner party around 40 minutes in. If you start from there its a damn good movie since it's just a movie about a vampire leading a double life who's losing his mind. 

Vampiress Review: "Danger, Dames & Dangerous Games"

The Gist: A bumbling accountant named Marvin is recruited by the FBI and a crime family when his vampire boss tries to eat him resulting in him uncovering an entire plot filled with monster.

Female Vampire Factor: Just one.  One of the main protagonists co-workers, a mousey woman named Kinglsley (Susan Gordon). She definitely feels like a vampire version of Harley Quinn (Batman the Animated Series goofy nuts Harley, not movie gutter trash Harley).  It's explained that she was the quiet innocent push over in the office who lost it and went super homicidal once she became a vampire.

It is also hinted that the woman who informs Marvin of the problem he's in that encourages him to take the case (Shanna Vincent) is also a vampire but that's never confirmed.

Final Opinion: This is a comedy in the same vein as "The Naked Gun" with the main character telling the story as the narrator but him being an idiot and misunderstanding all the things going on around him.  While the main antagonist is a vampire there is very little vampirism in the film itself.  As far as the jokes they are hit or miss with the ones that are miss being initially funny but then they run it to the ground till it gets annoying. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  I liked Kingsley.  The only issue is she doesn't show up till the end of the film.

Vampiress Review: "The Vampire King"

The Gist: A king vampire who was defeated long ago comes back to seek revenge on the slayer who defeated him who is now married with a family.  What makes matters worse is the skepticism of her husband even when presented with proof vampires are real leads to them not being prepared.

Female Vampire Factor:  Both the vampire slayers kids are turned partway through the film, a son and a daughter.  The daughter is the only female vampire that gets any screen time as there a couple of background female vamps in a scene or two.  When they're first turned they're recognizable.

But by the films end the movie resorts to pretty bad plastic effects.

Final Opinion:  This is one of those movies that's kind of comical but in a way where you're not sure if they're actually trying to be funny or is the movie so bad that you just laugh at how absurd it is. The character Jack (the vampire hunters husband played by the films director Mark Morris) is nearly Homer Simpson level clueless about things and situations and his deadpan delivery while he tries to come up with ridiculous explanations for what's going on is one of the few entertaining aspects of the movie. If they played on that more and made the film about a bumbling vampire skeptic who ends up becoming a vampire slayer while still staying a skeptic this movie could have been a ton more entertaining instead of the switch back and forth from comedy to serious to action in the confusing manor it does. Think Dick Nelson from "Mom and Dad Save the World" but with vampires instead of aliens with learning disabilities. Anyway the film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.

THE VAMPIRE KING from Mark Morris on Vimeo.

Vampiress XXX Review: "Antique Box"

The Gist:  A group of young adults take a trip to a remote area when a witch possesses the body of one of the young women in order to sacrifice the men of the group.

Female Vampire Factor:  So this is pretty straight forward.  A girl gets possessed and seduces guys

After some pretty hot sex her nails grow she spouts fangs then proceeds to maul the men then bites their necks

She is shown in her true form a few times but she never fangs out that way.   Vampirism only happens during her possession of the young lady.

Final Opinion:  This is a Thai softcore porn that tries to have a storyline.  By that meaning there is way too much going on in a film that's supposed to be mostly sex.  The main vamp is very attractive though.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Nocturna"

The Gist: A rookie detective and his partner get caught up in a war between two rival vampire factions when the rookie inadvertently finds out they exist while rescuing a little girl who escaped from them.

Female Vampire Factor:  Each side has their own main fem vamp.  The "evil" faction the "Moldero's have their vampire queen Belinda (Estella Warren)

Belinda is slightly unhinged. Most of her scenes consist of her singing and obsessing about children.  The thing that makes the Molderos the bad guys in the film is that they feed on and victimize children.  Belinda also makes all the kidnapped children refer to her as their mother.

The fem vamp on the protagonist end is a former civil war nurse named Lydia.  She's played by former Miss Universe contestant Mariana Paola Vicente

In the film she develops a romantic relationship with the partner of the rookie detective. It's also revealed that she was once one of the child victims of the Molderos

As is obvious by the numbers game the film does lead up to a final battle between the two which Lydia wins when Belinda falls off a railing and is impailed.

Final Opinion:  Not a horrid detective film but definitely some blown opportunities.  The Belinda character is great and if the film was about her being the main antagonist it would probably be a 5 since the one scene she does feed (and the several where she almost does) are fantastic.  Unfortunately it isn't and she only appears in a hand full of scenes while much less interesting vampires get most of the screen time.  I give this film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.

Vampires Review: "Vampire Cleanup Department"

The Gist: A socially awkward member of a group who secretly hunts and covers up the existence of vampires develops a relationship with a 200 year old vampiress who seems to be developing human feelings and emotions.


Female Vampire Factor: As explained the film is about a vampiress.  Her name is Summer (Len Min Chen)

She meets the films protagonist when he is on a vampire mission at a lake.

She attacks him and bites him on the mouth.  In the battle she loses a fang but via drinking his blood regains her human youth and beauty and the ability to feel human emotions.

The Vampire Cleanup Department or VCD capture her and prepare her body to be cremated but when the symbol that was holding her down accidentally was removed she came back to life and seemed to have bonded with with the guy she bit named Tim following him where ever he goes.

The remainder of the film revolves around Tim teaching Summer human behavior and eventually the two developing a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship all while trying to hide her from his co-workers who would want to kill her and the Vampire King who wants her for himself.

Final Opinion: Think of the 1980's romantic comedy "Date with an Angel" but with vampires and martial arts scenes (pretty much the same ending too). From a Vampire Beauty Standpoint I can only give it a rating of 2 out of 5.  Summer really doesn't do much vampiric in the film from a hunting and biting standpoint and is portrayed more as cute and sympathetic and provides much of the films comedy.  It also doesn't help that she's a Jiangshi (asian hopping zombie like vampire) so she spends a great deal of the movie hopping around.  With that being said it's a great movie entertainment wise and it's hard not to root for Tim and both sympathize and fall for Summer.  So as far as watching just for the sake of watching an entertaining film I highly recommend this.

Vampiress Review: "Call Me Crazy"

The Gist: A girl trapped in an asylum because she thinks she's a vampire falls for a guy who says he's a cannibal.

Female Vampire Factor:  Unfortunately the main character isn't actually a vampire.

The twist is she doesn't even think she's a vampire as she eventually confesses she just murdered her boyfriend for not wanting to marry her. She is obsessed with vampires and the blood drinking is just kind of a thing she does.  Both when she is angry at and happy with the cannibal her response is to bite him on the neck.

Final Opinion:  In the end this ends up being a weird love story between a woman with relationship issues and an undercover reporter that's just super desperate to get laid.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Unbitten"

The Gist: A group of vampiresses seek the help of a water nymph lawyer and a failed writer to prevent from being evicted from their home.

Female Vampire Factor: So basically an evil vampire couple who are dressed like Dracula

Are trying to take a house away from a group of squatters who pretty much come off as a vampire version of the witches from the classic Halloween film Hocus Pocus.

In an actually pretty funny scene the blonde puts on lingerie and attempts to seduce the actual owner of the house.

This doesn't work whatsoever as she soon finds out he's gay.  That doesn't stop her from continually trying through different poses as if the right one would turn him straight.

Final Opinion:  Definitely not a fan of the heavy makeup and the lack of any actual vampirism but the story isn't all that horrible even if a little cheesy and at least there is a slight attempt at some sex appeal.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.