Vampiress Review: "New Breed"

The Gist: A guy becomes a vampire after being recruited to a gothic club and sets out to destroy the vampires responsible.

Clarification:  I'm used to complaining about amateur made low budget movies having pointless backstory that does nothing but pad the run time.  This is the exact opposite.  The plot progresses so fast the movie is almost absurdly funny thanks to the amount of logic stretching you need to do.  I'm talking months worth of relationship building between characters happening within minutes of them meeting type stuff. 

Also the vampires of this movie seem to have a weird obsession with looking goth.  The film really does push the point that the first thing vampires do when they get turned is go to a store and buy black clothes, black lipstick and nail polish.  For the record that's not me being snarky, they really do show this happening.

Female Vampire Factor:  There are a bunch but I'll just stick to the two the main character turns that get some ok fang time. There is a female vampire cult leader who is seen on the cover of the film and is dancing throughout its opening credits but she is barely a footnote in the movie itself.

The first is his second "girlfriend" in the film.  I put Girlfriend in quotes because he asks her out after the most awkward conversation where she goes from "I don't dig goth guys" to "you're different than other guys" in less than a minute of talking then confesses to her on their first date that he's a vampire.  She then goes all Bella from Twilight on him and he turns her.  This relationship literally lasts one day from start to finish.

The second is the coroner who removes the stake form his heart after he's killed in one of the two vampire fight scenes in the film.  She goes from "get away from me" to "ok you can turn me into a vampire and I'm in love with you" in about 30 seconds of dialogue.  Unlike the first she actually gets a scenes where she bites someone when she feeds on a detective.

He also turns his first girlfriend but that happens off screen and we're just told about it.  She is seen as a vampire in the fight scenes but not much to show. 
I give this a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Basically imagine taking all 8 seasons of the Vampire Diaries and cramming them into 1 hour but making everything that happened during those 8 seasons happen in a span of 2 in movie days.  That's this movie. 

Vampiress Review: "Monsters Among Men"

The Gist: A business man is left for dead in the woods when a group of vampires kidnap his girlfriend.

Clarification: A pretty cut and dry movies.  Basically the movie revolves around the main characters attempt to survive trying to rescue his girlfriend while struggling with symptoms of diabetes.  He eventually finds out that his diabetic blood is lethal to vampires so he is the key to stopping them.

Female Vampire Factor:  There are two in the film the main one doesn't actually do anything vampiric and eventually is revealed to secretely be helping the protagonist.

 The other is a feral vamp who attacks the protagonists in the woods.  She doesn't live past the scene.

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  It's one of those films where you get presented with "will these women be turned" and the answer is no to all of them.  There's nothing more annoying than a film that's literally about vampires wanting to turn women.  Those vampires actually capturing the women they plan on turning and instead of turning them, talk the whole movie about how they're going to turn them giving the hero more than enough time to save them. Logically speaking, this movie should have only been about 20 minutes long or renamed "Vampire Procrastination"

Vampiress Review: "Children of the Night" (2014)

The Gist: A female reporter stumbles on a hidden sanctuary for children who were turned into vampires.

Clarification: Originally titled "Limbo" the film is about a colony called Limbo.  The residents of the colony are vampires who were turned as children.  They are taken care of by a nurse who raises them as strict Catholics.  Thing is the nurse has a plan to use her children to feed on humans as a method of ridding the world of sinners.  The children aren't exactly safe as there is a group of slayers who know about them and want to destroy them.

There's also a side story of the woman finding out that her childhood love is one of the residents of the sanctuary and their struggling over their feelings for one another even though he hasn't aged since he was a child and she has.  Don't worry it's just as cringe worthy as it sounds.

Female Vampire Factor: Well yeah there's a bunch of them but since they're all little kids the Vampire Beauty Rating is a 1 out of 5. 

It is implied that the woman who finds Limbo is turned and they fake her death to allow her to stay there at the end of the film but we don't actually see it.  The kids themselves with the exception of "the count" act  just like regular kids unless they are threatened in which case they basically attack like piranha.

 Film isn't bad, definitely more drama than horror as the vampires are characters you're supposed to sympathize with instead of fear which is a change of pace from most movies where child vampires are downright the scariest kind.

Vampiress Review: "Space Boobs in Space"

The Gist: A space talk show interviewing aliens regarding their first encounter with humans with random short films shown in between.

Clarification:  There is no clarifying this.  This definitely comes off as really bad reaction to drugs level absurd.  Lot's of weird makeup and brightly colored wigs talking complete gibberish and in between that is really short attempts at comedic parodies featuring situations like a woman paying a prostitute to play Operation on her crotch, a real estate agent trying to sell land to Jason Vorhees, A woman being stalked by ghostface (from the Scream franchise), an interview with a swamp monster and a woman being haunted by the ghost of her boyfriends ex. 

The general main subject of the talk show portion is boobs.  Though this is less B-movie softcore boobs and more Transvestite cabaret show boobs. 

Female Vampire Factor: The last short film is a bout two strippers who get their car and phone taken by some vampires and their attempt to get that stuff back.

They confront the vampires who then tell them they can have their stuff back if one of the women gives them a lap dance.

When the strippers oblige the vampire loses control and bites her (on the butt)

and in the worst twist ending I've seen in awhile after escaping, the stripper who gets bitten says she's hungry before her butt sprouts fangs and bites her friend.

This segment is probably the best thing you'll find in this film so I'll give just this a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  It really isn't worth watching the rest to get to it though unless you're into the cabaret show scene.

Vampiress Review: "Dead Cert"

The Gist: British mobsters get more than what they bargained for when they find out that the rival mobsters who just came to town from Eastern Europe are vampires.

Clarification:  Also known as "London Underworld" If you ever seen From Dusk Till Dawn it's basically that but if it started out as a British mobster movie instead of a Southern outlaw action film. You have some British mobster types with the main one Freddie owning a strip club.  Then you have some creepy foreign people who take over the strip club through a questionable bet.   When the mobster types go to take the strip club back and things get bloody the girls and the management all of a sudden start sprouting fangs so the mobsters types and the one stripper that didn't get turned now have to find a way to escape. You know...like From Dusk Till Dawn.

Female Vampire Factor: Well,  a lot since it is a film that primarily takes place in a strip club full of vampires.  The Romanian contingent has a girl in their group named Tatiana.

She acts as somewhat of a translator until the vampire portion of the film comes about.  Then she's a bit of an enforcer sent to pay a visit to the family of Freddie.

  Then you had a vampire hunters backstory where he talked about how the vampires killed all his family except for his daughter who they turned and who he had to kill himself.

Then comes the strippers who all except one get turned.  Two of them get actual screen time.  First is  the head stripper who after she turns confronts her ex boss and instead of biting him stops to brag how she got turned that lead to her being staked.

Next you have Katie who's another stripper who gets a ton of screen time only after she turns. She's even on the cover of the DVD even though you only really get introduced to her in the last 10 minutes of the film.

 Freddie (the main protagonists) wife does get bitten in the film but does not turn.  Freddie does have a nightmare about it and there are production stills of her with fangs so even though it's not really in the movie that does kind of count.

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  Can't give it a 5 because vampires aren't even in 75% of the film.  Much like From Dusk Till Dawn it's 25% vampire horror and 75% something else.  With the exception of Tatiana if you see a female vampire introduced she's going to be stake fodder within 5 minutes.

Vampiress Review: "Family Blood"

The Gist: A woman with addiction problems is attacked and turned by a vampire after one of her drug recovery meetings and gives in to her new addiction to blood while her family tries to cope.

Clarification: Very interesting take for a vampire film.   Basically taking the troubles families have when it comes to things like addictions (neglectful parenting, bad decision making, dating other just as screwed up people and exposing them to your kids) and giving it a supernatural twist.

Female Vampire Factor: Ellie is a walking headcase who's a giant question mark in the "responsible parent" department before the whole fangs and blood lust thing.  Her kids have no structure and have to spend more time worrying about her than themselves and in return act out in school.  It just gets way worse afterword.  She has no control over herself and is constantly putting her childrens lives in danger till the point that she exposes her kids to the vampire who turned her (who has it out for her son) and eventually tries to feed on her son herself by the films end.

Generally when she's vamping out it's in the dark though so you can't see anything but her pouncing on people so the majority of the film post turn is her walking around with blood all over her from the aftermath.

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  She's definitely presented as a monster, nothing seductive about her blood lust.

Vampiress Review: "Tales From the Hood 2"

The Gist: The Devil returns to tell a racist politician some tales of terror featuring mostly black victims.

Clarification: Basically the same format as 70's and 80's classics like Creepshow and Tales from the Darkside with the one connecting theme being they take place in urban settings.  In reality the stories are more "social justice lessons" than really horror.  There are 5 stories in all.

"Good Golly" is about a group that included an entitled Caucasian woman who breaks into a museum because she wanted a doll.  Thing is the doll is historical as it enforces negative stereotypes of black people and had ties to slavery.  Long story short, the doll comes to life and gives the entitled woman more than she could handle.

"The Medium" Is about a group of thugs who end up killing a man while trying to get information out of him about some missing loot.  They go to a television psychic to try to pry the information from his ghost but instead the ghost take its revenge on his murderers.

"The Sacrifice" is about the ghost of Emmet Till haunting a black man who has sold out for political power by giving into the conservative base of the southern town he lives in and making it so that if he doesn't see the error of his ways time will change to a world where the Civil Rights movement never happened..literally.

"Robo Hell" is the finale in which the politician the stories are being told to goes to a press conference to reveals his new patriotic robot who seeks out threats to America.  Unfortunately for him, after ridding the conference of all minorities he becomes the biggest threat to America in the room.

Female Vampire Factor: That brings us to the third story in the film titled "Date Night".  In this story two men are off to meet some women they found online.  After a game of "Cards against Humanity" the guys drug the women then when they finally feel the effect strip them down to their bra and panties to take pictures of them. Unfortunately for them they were just playing possum.  When they go to take their shots all that shows is the clothes with no one in them.  As they look up they learn the girls secret.  They're Vampires!

The girls take the men prisoner and eventually feed them to a group of feral vampires they have locked in their basement made up of their previous victims who turned as meeting men on the internet to feed on them is their game.

The vampire portion of the film is 100% for eye candy purposes (the only ones in the entire movie) so I'll give that segment a 4 out of 5.  As far as the entire movie though I can't really say that this segment is worth sitting through the whole film. Every segment is pretty much preaching through story telling but subtly exactly like Creepshow.  That is all but "The Sacrifice" which belongs no where near this film series and sticks out like a soar thumb.  Granted The Twilight Zone did politically inspired episodes occasionally but those were stand alone episodes.  Just seems super out of place to have a historical drama (there is no horror to this story at all) smack dab in the middle of a series featuring half naked vampires, killer robots and giant killer stuffed dolls.   While the vampire segment is an obvious nod to the #metoo movement it isn't as blatant and has no problem exploiting half naked women to make it's point keeping with the ridiculousness of the majority of the other stories.

The Vampiress Episode: "Being Erica"

"Erica the Vampire Slayer"

Season 1

Episode 12

The Gist: When Erica struggles to fire a writer because of her need to avoid confrontation she's sent back to a time where she went ghost on a guy instead of breaking up with him to try again.

Clarification: Being Erica is a Canadian TV show which aired from 2009 to 2011 on the CBC.  It follows the story of a woman named Erica Strange (Erica Karpluk) who sees a therapist who has the supernatural ability to send her back to relive moments in her past.

Female Vampire Factor: In this episode the guy she was dating was a stereotypical nerd.  He invites her to a vampire role playing club that he belongs to but she does what she couldn't do before and breaks up with him.  Unfortunately for her that wasn't the lesson she needed to learn so she ends up going to the vampire role play and is just awkward and out of place. When her now ex opens up to her about how much doing that meant to him and how being there is the only time he can feel comfortable she learns the lesson to not care what other people think.  She goes from being awkward and out of place to actually trying to roleplay but being terrible at it.  She comfronts the head vampire

but doesn't last long in the "battle" as the head vampire mistress puts her in her place..

No fangs or any actual vampirism in this episode.  If you're into fangless vampire cosplay you might get some enjoyment out of it but can't give it more than a 1 out of 5 Vampire Beauty Rating.

Vampiress XXX Review: "Close to the Bone"

The Gist: An erotic film that follows a vampire couples journey to finding each other again.

Clarification: The storyline of this film is non existent.  In reality its just a bunch of independent sex scenes but with a male and female vampire in each scene.  The story is held together through narration between the scenes.

Biggest Complaint:  There are fangs but the bites can be missed if you aren't paying attention.

Female Vampire Factor: The film is made up of 5 scenes.  

Scene One: Female vampire Anya Olsen seduces real estate agent Loren Minardi.

Scene Two: Vampire Tyler Nixen seduces a Zazie Skymm in a pool.

Scene Three: The wife of an Egyptian Pharaoh (Cherry Kiss) becomes the first vampire by drinking the blood of an innocent  (Matt Bird).

Scene Four: Loren Minardi succumbs to her blood lust and makes Matt Bird her first victim.

Scene Five: The vampire lovers find their way back to each other (Olsen and Nixen).

The same story can be seen in the movie Razor Blade Smile actually but with slightly less nudity and way more vampirism and story.  I give this one a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  It's 5 scenes of sex that all start with a quick flash of fangs and a bite.