Vampiress Review: "The Night Watchmen"

The Gist: A group of bumbling night watchman are trapped in an office building that has been taken over by vampires and they along with the only surviving employee try to survive.

Clarification:  The issue starts when a clown troop goes to Romania, gets sick and dies.  One of the caskets gets mistakenly delivered to the office building of a newspaper and when the creepy head of the security company opens it to try to steal from the corpse he gets bitten by a vampire clown. This starts a cycle that very quickly spreads to everyone but security who're too busy hazing the new recruit to notice the panic going on.

This is a rated R horror comedy.  The comedy is pretty much limited to poop gags (you hear every vampire expel their bowels when they're killed which they comment on) and just inappropriately goofy behavior during otherwise tense moments. It's not overly dumb but not overly clever either. 

Selling Point:  It is about vampire clowns so it's a pretty good gag film to show anyone you know that already has a clown phobia.

Female Vampire Factor:  Since the film is in the Survival horror genre the vampires aren't humanized in any way which is mentioned by the characters stating things like "Vampires are supposed to be sparkly and pretty" and "I've seen every episode of True Blood and it's not supposed to be like this".

The only characters you truly get to know in the film are the watchman and the one surviving female that they all have a crush on but you do get to briefly see some office stereotypes who get turned and their demise usually has something to do with that stereotype.  For example Penny the nerdy best friend of the hot girl that no one notices.  She can't see without her glasses so knocking them off was how they got passed her.

Or the office slut.  She got distracted when the rookie accidentally touched her breasts resulting in her forgetting she was a blood thirsty vampire and then just attempting to rape him which opened up the opportunity to stake her.

Pretty much every female in the office but the "hot girl" gets turned but actual screen time is seconds similar to your average zombie film.

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  Decent movie that was definitely going for that British Simon Pegg/Nick Frost style of horror comedy.  Definitely watchable but not quite to the genre what Lesbian Vampire Killers was (speaking of which the movie does have lesbian vampires in it).

Vampiress Review: "Blood (1973)"

The Gist: A doctor who is a werewolf that is married to the daughter of Count Dracula moves to a small village in order to continue his research to possibly cure her of her vampirism.

Clarification:  This is your basic old school vampire film.  Foreigners move into a village to do weird things, villagers get wind that those things are supernatural, get the knives and pitch forks, game over. 

Selling Point: Very short run time.

Female Vampire Factor: As mentioned Dr. Orlovsky aka the werewolf is married to the daughter of Count Dracula, Regina (Hope Stansberry)

To put it mildly Regina is a bitch.  She is very rude to everyone she meets and is not above murdering anyone who inconveniences her.

She is also the most jealous wife you will ever come across having it out for any woman who talks to him.  She's somewhat justified though considering he does end up hitting on a young village girl that she puts a stop to with a little fang action

I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  While it's no secret that Regina is a vampire they build up to her actually doing anything vampiric.  The people she kills in the films beginning she does without feeding on them which I found kind of strange.  In fact nothing really supernatural happens till bnar the final act of the film and then it just goes haywire.  I will give them credit for actually making those cheap plastic vampire fangs actually look halfway decent with angles and lighting.  Some independent film makers can learn quite a bit in that area from Director Andy Milligan.

Vampiress XXX Review: "Vampire Bloodlines: Thicker Than Water"

The Gist: A high school girl is seduced and turned by a vampire claiming to be her long lost aunt.

Clarification: Gina Valentina plays a delinquent school girl who comes to school dressed too slutty.  The film begins with her in detention attempting to seduce her teacher and getting punished for it.

 Later on a woman (Kenna Valentina) shows up at Gina's job after hours and sees her trying out the stripper pole.  The women convinces Gina to give her a lap dance then tells her that she is her long lost aunt, there to pass her vampire gift to her niece.

The newly turned Gina returns to her school and now uses her new powers to successfully seduce her teacher who has no choice but to give in to her commands.

As usual Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5 for the people at Primal Fetish.  They do an absolutely great job of keying in on the seductive aspect of vampirism.  Highly recommend this.   

Vampiress Review: "Royal Vampire"

The Gist: The arranged bride of a prince is taken over by a demon which turns her into a vampire like creature.

Clarification:  This is a Nollywood movie which is a genre of films produced in the African country of Nigeria.  

Biggest Complaint:  If you can get past the horrible sound quality of either the background music and sound effects being louder than the dialogue or the dialogue being so loud it's over-modulated and barely understandable you still have to survive the nearly 5 hour run time in which not even half of it is valid to the story. 

Female Vampire Factor: The vampire in this film is played by Angela Okorie

The vampire portions of the film are actually done very well.  The bulk of the vampire scenes are in the last couple of hours of the film when she completely loses control and is pretty much biting anyone that is within reaching distance.   

Until that point you have to sit through overly drawn out soap opera like drama scenes most of which are completely irrelevant and kills whatever horror this film might look to accomplish (anything to do with the Royal family that doesn't deal with the vampire princess is pretty much irrelevant and time filler).  In fact if you condense this film to an hour and forty five minutes or so and take out the drama, filler and unneeded backstory of the prince this film would be great.

I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  The last hour would get a 4 on it's own so if you're going to watch it I'd suggest skipping straight to that.

Vampiress Review: "Terror of Dracula"

The Gist: A modern attempt at making a golden age era Dracula film.

Clarification:  If you've seen any Dracula movie based on the original novel.  This is no different.

Selling Point: See Female Vampire Factor.

Female Vampire Factor:  The Brides are front and center in this film.

While their part isn't any bigger than in any other film based on the Dracula novel they're spread out enough that they seem a bigger part as opposed to some film decisions where they appear a couple times near the beginning then you never see them again.

Their desire to get Jonathon Harker after he escapes Dracula becomes a sub plot as they haunt him throughout the movie before eventually finding him.

You also get your Lucy turning scene but it isn't much to get excited about.  To be honest it's pretty forgettable for one that is usually the high point in Dracula based films.

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  Again it's a story that's been around for ages.  Wanting to see different people act it out is the only reason to relieve it again.

Vampiress Review: "Vampires of Sorority Row"

The Gist:  A girl decides to go to college and join a sorority to get out of the trailer park she grew up in that was overrun by vampires.

Clarification: Pretty straight forward.  Trailer park girl who survives a vampire attack goes to college and joins a sorority but one by one the members of the sorority are bitten and turned by a female vampire and it's up to a perverted guy that snuck in one day to find a date who falls for her to save her. 

This is 90's indy movie gold.  While it looks like it would be a softcore porn there is no nudity and it's basically your standard "USA Up All Night" T&A filled cheese fest type film that dominated late night weekend television back when exploitation of women for views and using stereotypes for comedic purposes was still an accepted practice on TV (thank goodness for Amazon and Youtube who still allows that to exist).

Selling Point: While the film does have it's flaws (mainly due to bad lighting and older camcorder technology making much of it overly dark and some overly loud and many times annoying sound effects) it does very much fall into the category of "so awful it's entertaining" most of the time.   

Female Vampire Factor:  Most of the girls in the sorority by movies end do become vampires.

The original vampire who starts the spree is Lori (below)

She first bites "Miffy" who is the airhead of the group and provides most of the films comic relief

Then she bites Dee who is one of the girls already in the sorority.

 Dee eventually turns the tables on Lori deciding she doesn't want to be the slave and would rather be the leader.  This leads to an argument between Lori and Dee that results in not only Dee winning and becoming the leader but forcing Lori to give up her clothes so Dee can have them.

By this point Lori and Miffy take the role of the comic relief henchwomen who do Dee's bidding.  Both come off as airheads and are easily confused.  Giving Miffy a story problem to solve tends to be the easiest way to get past them if she wants to bite you (yes that is a thing that happens in the movie).

The movie has an open ending as none of the members of the vampire sorority are actually killed which does lead to a sequel.

This is definitely a film for people who like bad cheesy films.    It's filled with girls in short skirts getting spanked, fart and poop jokes, drunken rants and other immature things but not enough to be annoying if you're ok with that sort of thing in a movie at all (in other words the terrible yet entertaining parts don't seem forced which is usually the thing that make terrible films unwatchable).  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  It's basically if the film Vamp U was trying out to be a phone sex ad. 

Vampires of Sorority Row (1999) from David Sterling on Vimeo.

Vampiress Review: "Shira Vampire Samurai"

The Gist: A woman who was bitten by a vampire in feudal Japan must stop the vampire who bit her from creating more in modern times.

Clarification: This film comes off more as a two hour fight choreography demonstration than it does an actual movie.  In fact it really does seem to be fight scenes where they decided to just throw in random stuff in between for attempted substance.  The story itself has no real direction, the acting is sub par and the writing is so cliche the characters come off as annoying (especially the token black stereotype character who I assume is supposed to be comic relief). 

Biggest Complaint: It's basically the quality of a low rent porn with sex and nudity replaced with sword fighting. 

Female Vampire Factor:  Only one, she's the title character Shira (Chona Jason)

According to the film she's a half vampire so she can walk in the daylight.  She fangs out pretty much mid conversation regularly for no reason but otherwise the eyes and fangs are just for show and she only does anything really vampiric once in the movie.

I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Not a must see whatsoever.  The film is a Blade knockoff so you're better off just watching that.

Vampiress XXX Review: "Vampire Hunter Anal Suffering Cruelty"

The Gist: A Vampire tortures women

Clarification: It's just torture porn.  Not really much of a story just several scenes of women being molested, bound and tortured.

Selling Point: There is one straight forward lesbian scene.

Female Vampire Factor: In the films beginning there is one sexy lesbian female vampire

By the end of the film the two female victims are revealed to have been turned as well.

 I do appreciate the tusk style fangs that can still be seen even with their mouths closed but pretty much thats the only thing I appreciate out of the film since I'm not much into the whole torture gimmick.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  The only thing keeping it from a solid 5 is the female vampires only make up two scenes of the film.

Vampiress Model: Carrie LaChance

Carrie LaChance: Fetish and Cosplay model out of Florida
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