Vampiress Review: "Frankula"

The Gist: A bumbling old man is invited by a brood of vampires to become one of them.

Clarification: The premise of the short film is that an old kind of senile man named Frank falls asleep and the vampire portion is an Alice in Wonderland type dream.  Everything the vampires say to try to bring him into the group goes over his head as he's preoccupied with wanting chips.

Selling Point: After how many decades we finally got Hammer Horror super babe Caroline Munro as a vampire.

She was 68 at the time of the filming but I couldn't care less.  She still looks great and I've been waiting for that since Dracula A.D. 1972

Female Vampire Factor: The brood consists of 3 vampiresses (along with a male doctor)

In a "Wizard of Oz" type spin the middle vampire in the picture is also Franks nurse as it seems he lives in a nursing home or assistant living facility in the beginning. This leads to a the cliched "it was just a dream or was it" ending where she wakes him up but the last shot of the scene is her flashing her fangs.

The film was pretty funny so I have no real complaints and Munro was just the icing on the cake.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "The Hybrids Family"

The Gist: A pair of half witch/half vampire siblings teleport themselves to Florida to start a life away from their overprotective parents.

Clarification: A young boy and young girl (Blaz and Velana) dream of being in the real world but are kept isolated by their parents.  The boy sneaks out occasionally to go to the library and decides he wants to join a film school in Florida.  He talks his sister into coming with him and they go down there where he joins the school and falls for one of his classmates while she gets a job as a waitress at a bar. All while the parents and some hunters are trying to find them.

Biggest Complaint: Not a vampire movie.  The part where they are vampires is very "matter of fact" in this film and has no real effect on the plot.

Female Vampire Factor: The girl sibling in the movie Velana (Leanne Agmon) is half witch/half vampire as mentioned in the description but she does nothing vampiric in the film other than sleeps in a coffin. 

It's your basic Nickelodeon style live action coming of age type film.  It gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5. There are countless better films in this genre.  

Vampiress Review: "Pretty Little Victim"

The Gist: A man who stops by a diner for some pie falls in love with a woman who randomly walks in just to find out she's a vampire.

Clarification:  So guy gets some pie, makes eye contact with a girl who looks like she's on some heavy drugs who starts heaving in pain and runs to the bathroom.  He follows her to the bathroom just to see her writhing in pain and that she has fangs.  Screw that though because he wants to get laid. Thus starts a great relationship between a man and a woman who is bleeding him dry.

Female Vampire Factor:  The female character of the film April is indeed a vampire

There is no question in the film that she's a vampire because her fangs do not retract.  That means they are out the entire film.  While no it is not a realistic scenario in a film (as most men would see a women who looks like this, think she's on some type of drug and run the opposite direction) it does make for a very interesting vampire film

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  April the vampire is a lovable character up until you remember that she's a vampire.  A lesson the protagonist learns the hard way.

Pretty Little Victim from Paul Rufus Jones on Vimeo.

Vampiress Model: Molly Squirts

Molly is a cam model out of Miami, Florida who recently opened a clip store on iwantclips where she fulfills whatever fetish or fantasy you can think of.  Below is some sexy photos of her sporting the fangs

Vampiress Review: Sorority Vampire Sisters

The Gist: People at a college campus are being murdered at a high rate and a girl believes that her new roommate is responsible.

Clarification: A girl named Sarah thinks her roommate is a vampire because she dresses in black and goes on a lot of dates and takes night classes.  Also she is always at the scene of the murders (but Sarah wouldn't know this).

Selling Point:  An ok attempt at a low budget horror film. It's very low budget and amateurish looking and it does throw things in randomly at times but since it's less than an hour long that can be forgiven.

Female Vampire Factor: Sarah's ends up being proven right that a vampire is committing the murders but she is wrong about who's committing them.  It ends up being some girls who are sporadically seen in the film as bystanders being interviewed about the murders

The above scene is the big reveal and the only real vampiric point other than Sarah having a dream that her roommate was a vampire.

Sarah's roommate ended up being a vampire hunter and then the movie kind of goes off the rails after that.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  The reveal would have been much more enjoyable had they implemented a first person view for it instead of having the camera behind the intended victim. 

Vampiress Review: "Hacked Horror Film Massacre"

The Gist: A collection of short stories held together by a storyline that they are horror films found through computer hacking.

Clarification:  This film comes off more like an episode of an off the wall adult swim series than a collection of horror movies.  Each film is separated by random b-roll of a woman at a computer followed by clips of random things.  A good majority of the films run time is padded with the random clips with the actual film probably not even totaling all together an hour in length.

 The movie has 10 short films in it:
- Death Kiss
- Mind of the Monster
- Lust of Dracula
- Princess Baby meets Frankenstein
- Princess Baby and Frankenstein meet Billy the Kid
- Death of the Monster
- The Adventures of Jesse James Jr.
- To Dance for a Vampire
- Return to Earth: Princess Baby vs Gefullte
- Blood Love

Biggest Complaint: The bulk of these films aren't even horror.  They're really weird Sci-Fi films that come off as just different sections of the same film involving a woman dressed as an anime style space woman named Princess Baby.

Female Vampire Factor:  In "Death Kiss" a vampire kidnaps a woman while she's on a date with her boyfriend.  Her boyfriend then learns kung fu to seek out revenge.  When he finds the vampire he finds her along with him as a vampire as well.

 In "To Dance for a Vampire" a vampire saves a stripper who is a reincarnation of his former lover from her stalker ex boyfriend and takes her back to his home where he bites her in an effort to turn her.  She doesn't actually turn but there is a very quick scene of her in one of her previous lives with fangs.

Two of the other films in this collection also deal with vampires but no females.  "Lust of Dracula" is just Dracula seducing and biting a woman and "Blood Love" is a vampire almost turning a woman but changing his mind at the last second. 

I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Can't say I recommend viewing this one but the one positive is the film with the most female fangs is the first one so 15 minutes is the most you'd have to put up with if that's all you're watching for.

Vampiress Review: "Lord of the Vampires"

The Gist: After robbing a gas station a group of criminals take a hostage but when their car breaks down end up staying the night at a house owned by vampires.

Clarification: This is a modern take on the classic "stranger stays in the vampires castle" formula.  In this case instead of it being the home of a mysterious aristocrat it's the home of a guy who looks like he just left a goth party, his girlfriend and his prostitute on the side.

Selling Point: It's not exactly terrible for a low budget film.  The storytelling is to the point and for the most part logical.  The vampire leader has a thing for the hostage of the criminals, uses his female minions to get the criminals out of the way and wants to turn the girl. One of the criminals that seems to have a conscious also has a thing for her and is willing to do what it takes to save her all the while the female vampire minions get jealous that the main vampire wants another one and is planning on turning on him. 

Female Vampire Factor: As mentioned the vampire lord has two women who do his bidding named Mercy and Ravenna.

Ravenna (The brunette) is the older of the two and the first person Viktor the Vampire turned.  She is a very jealous woman who wants Viktor for himself so she isn't the biggest fan of Mercy (the blonde).

Mercy is more of a straight forward vampire who only cares about feeding and very little else. Because of this Mercy is the one who gets sent out to find victims to bring back.

The woman who the fuss is being made over in this films name is Amanda. She was just going to get gas when she ended up in the middle of an armed robbery and was kidnapped. Eventually Viktor does get what she wants and by the movies end she does turn (temporarily).

I can officially say that I was pleasantly surprised by this film.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  This film is a total throwback to the kind of cheesy horror stuff you would see in the 1980's on the USA Networks weekend horror lineup.

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Girls"

The Gist: A year after a man named Seiji's fiance disappears he seems to have found her now living as a prostitute.  Little does he know she's now a vampire.

Clarification:  Not much more to it.  It's a story of lost love.  The story is very reminiscent of one of the vampire episodes of Friday the 13th the series. 

Selling Point: The best part is that vampires in this film are indeed vampires. IE creatures to be feared so no Twilight style pandering. 

Female Vampire Factor:  The girl who goes missings name is Yumi played by Minori Hatsuni.

The bulk of the movie is Yumi seducing men and then biting them.  She was a sweet girl and very dedicated to Seiji until she was sexually assaulted and a female vampire bit her when she was attempted suicide. 

The Vampire who bit her was Luna

Luna is very attached to Yumi similar to the way Lestat is attached to Louis in Interview with the Vampire.  This makes life very dangerous for Seiji as she's always very close by when he sees her and is purposely trying to keep them apart.

I give this film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  It is a vampire horror movie with a love story element not a love story that happens to be about vampires.  When a hot woman is on screen someone is going to get bitten.

Vampiress Review: "Money Vampires & Weed"

The Gist: Three hot young girls are held hostage by a woman at gun point who demands she hide them at their home to hide from a vampire she stole money from.

Clarification:  With a title like that don't expect much from the film.  One of the girls is both a pot head and dumb blonde at the same time and the majority of her dialogue makes you question if she realized she's actually in the same movie with everyone else.  Once the kidnapper is out of the way and money becomes the driving force in the movie the dynamic between the girls does change building much more tension.

Selling Point:  This film can also be called "Entitled Millennial Girls are Stupid".  It does go into the "It's so bad it's good" category as far as entertainment value. 

Female Vampire Factor:  (SPOILERS BELOW).

Not a lot.  The girl who kidnaps them (Christina Johnson) does briefly turn but she lasts only a couple of seconds and nothing vampiric happens.

Then in the films ending after the girl who spends the entire film trying to get the other two killed in order to keep the money thinks she's won the other two do come back for her.

This reminds me of something that would have aired on Tales from the Crypt or Creepshow.  The girls fanging out is limited to one quick scene that you barely see so I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  The film itself is entertaining though if you don't take it seriously.

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Vixens"

The Gist: A girl is living in a halfway house after being linked to violent crimes which she blames on a vampire telling her to commit them. 

Clarification:  This is a short film also known as "The Vampire Within".  It revolves around a lonely young girl named Alice.  Basically she sits around a house and case workers come by to ask how she is and where everyone else is and then to tell her that the vampire she says is telling her to do bad things isn't real.

Whenever Alice is alone in a room the vampire whose name is Sarah then shows up to tell Alice to get rid of them.

Biggest Complaint: The point of the film is for you to question Alice's sanity but the reason you question her sanity is that Sarah has to be the laziest and most useless vampire ever so her being real is illogical. 

Female Vampire Factor:  As mentioned above Sarah (Christina Johnson) is the most useless vampire probably in film history.

If you took every negative stereotype given to a person on welfare and replaced money with blood that is Sarah.  Basically she lives off of people by nagging to them how hungry she is and that they should go out and kill people for her because she doesn't want to do it herself since that's work and she might get hurt.  She doesn't have fangs (or just doesn't use them) so you question if she exists because how could a vampire live like that?  The one time she has full opportunity to off someone herself in the film without Alice she doesn't.

I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  SPOILER ALERT there is no cool twist.  Sarah the lazy vampire is real (unless you call that a twist).  If you want to see a version of this subject done much better watch the Nicholas Cage film Vampire's Kiss.

Vampiress Model: Sasha V

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