Vampiress TV Review: Van Helsing (TV show)

Van Helsing is a television series produced in Canada which has aired since 2016 on the SyFy channel and is based on a graphic novel of the same name.

It falls into the same premise as the other more famous graphic novel turned TV show the Walking Dead in which it takes place in a post Apocalyptic United States where vampires (instead of zombies) have taken over and a small group of survivors try not to get captured or turned.

The main character of the series is a female named Vanessa (Kelly Overton)

She's pretty much Sarah Conner from Terminator 2.  Bad ass woman who goes around beating up and shooting things while leading a resistance and wanting to protect her kid.  In the beginning we don't know much about her other than she woke up from a coma with both the military and the vampires looking to retrieve her and she has a daughter that's missing but when she wakes up she discovers that she's basically a reverse vampire.  That means she has all the powers of a vampire but none of the weaknesses.  She doesn't need human blood to live like a tradition vampire but drinking blood boosts all her powers similar to Popeye eating spinach.  Also if she bites a vampire they become human again.

As for vampires in this series they fall into two categories, ferals and non ferels.  It's explained that once a vampire is turned if they feed on animal blood they pretty much lose all humanity basically attacking anything that moves (basically this series version of the Walking Dead zombies).  If they feed on human blood within a certain time of turning they just become a more evil and aggressive version of themselves with blood lust.   The non feral vampires barely get any screen time as the series mostly revolves around Vanessa and the survivors she is with.  As season 1 progresses we are introduced to a few that includes a very attractive vamp named Rebecca.

We eventually learn that it is Rebecca who has Vanessa's daughter Dylan who has been turned and she's been raising her as her own.

Dylan being a young girl via the unwritten rule of all vampire film and TV is way more powerful and dangerous than any other vampire as she's been enhanced by the vampires scientists to be immune to sunlight and she's barely controllable with the temperament of a feral but the intelligence of a non feral.

The vampires of the series minus the special cases above have all the regular storybook weaknesses. They've gotten around the sunlight problem through polluting the air to where sunlight doesn't get through and the vampires in the series do not have fangs with them basically just looking like walking corpses.

 The first season of the series honestly is pretty hard to watch as the series starts out extremely slow with the characters backstories being explained throughout the series very vaguely.  In fact I would say that the first half of the season is pretty much skipable and you won't be worse for wear.  The end of season 1 and beyond on the other hand is a very enjoyable action series that I would recommend.

Vampiress Review: "Death Hunter: Werewolves vs Vampires"

The Gist:  After his wife gets taken by vampires a man sets out to rescue her after getting special abilities.

Clarification: In spite of the name of the film there really isn't much werewolf related with the film.  The main protagonist gets bitten by one and when he gets an antidote it gives him superpowers. The beginning of the film is basically a cheap version of From Dusk Till Dawn where the hero and his wife run out of gas in the middle of nowhere and has to stop at a strip club inhabited by vampires.  Once he escapes, the film just throws a lot of randomness at you that's no different than most low budget films of this type that leads to a pretty anti climactic ending. 

Selling Point: Can't really find one.

Female Vampire Factor:  Most of the ones you see suffer from a lot of monster style makeup so they aren't really good to look at.  Occasionally sprinkled in you'll find a few where they obviously ran out of special effects to put on them thankfully.

Otherwise the bulk of the movie is about the hero getting his powers and training with some extra time filler of him meeting some random young people that has no real purpose as far as plot forwarding in the movie. I give this film a Vampire Beauty rating of 2 out of 5.  It's almost a safe bet that if a film has something vs vampires in the title you can pretty much skip it.

Vampiress Model: "WildestDreams"

WildestDreams is a lesbian couple out of Hollwood named Abby and Courtney who like to share intimate moments through X rated porn clips that can be purchased HERE as well as their own personal Pornhub channel HERE.  I definitely suggest subscribing to their pages if you're into nerd porn as they like to do sexual acts that include cosplay, reading books and playing video games.  Below are two recent updates in which Abby dresses in a sexy vampire costume.

Vampiress Review: "Forest of the Vampire"

The Gist:  A group of travelers take a trip to a forest that ends up being haunted by a vampire.

Clarification:  I describe this movie as being bi-polar.  In that meaning there is about 15 to 20 minutes that is really enjoyable and then the rest is probably top 10 the worst thing you will ever set your eyes on.  Basically the first part of the film is random people who get attacked by a stereotypical Dracula inspired vampire.

Then we're introduced to the protagonists of the film who are two young couples who like in many low budget indy films like this are about as likable as a rabid pit bull as they just argue and complain to each other about each other a lot.

When they finally get to the haunted woods they're picked off one by one by vampires in somewhat of a daytime Blair Witch Project portion of the film other than you see what's killing them and it's not in first person (this was the enjoyable part).  Then the films last portion is what is best described as the wort acid trip known to man and is practically unwatchable.  I'm talking odd green screen effects featuring psychedelic colors and nausea inducing camera motion.

On top of that due to the distortion of the characters voices you can't really understand much of what they say during this point so even if you could watch it without feeling like you were on the worst rollercoaster ever you wouldn't understand it.

Selling Point: That small portion that is a horror movie is really enjoyable.

Female Vampire Factor:  (SPOILER ALERT)  So we have two vampires in these woods of note.  One is the Dracula looking one who is attacking anyone who comes in.  The other is a blonde woman who looks like she stepped right out of a Hammer Horror film who we find out is a good vampire looking to stop him.

These vampires can operate just fine in the daytime since the entire film takes place in the daytime. The only exception being when they go to the "what the hell am I watching" dimension at the end.

Two women who get attacked by the Dracula vamp do get turned and get to attack someone.

This includes one of the girls of the couple who for whatever reason is in only her bra and panties during this part.  The scene where she goes after the other girl would be pretty hot if it weren't for the voice distortion.

I give the movie a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  The above stills all come from one scene which should have been the entire movie.  Everything before and after this is either hard to watch or unwatchable unfortunately.

Vampiress Review: "Blood of the Tribades"

The Gist: Male vampires are killing female vampires as part of a religious vampire cult and the female vampires have to put their own differences aside in order to survive.

Clarification: So it's self described as "a love letter to offbeat lesbian vampire films" which translates to an attempt to create a film in the style of Jess Franco and Jean Rollins.  This means vague storytelling surrounded by gratuitous nudity and over the top graphic violence.  The movie once you get to the end becomes a moral lesson on religious fanaticism and sexism as the men are all being lead by a cult leader who preaches that both being a woman and being a lesbian are against their god and should be destroyed and anyone who challenges this believe is punished even when the woman try to show them otherwise.

Selling Point: It's rating on Amazon is pretty high with 4 and a half stars as well as a 7.1 out of 10 from IMDB

Female Vampire Factor:  Everyone in the film is a vampire so there is no lack of this.

As mentioned above there is a few nods to films in the Jean Rollins, Jes Franco vampire film genre so you do get a vampire lesbian sex scene.

As well as a set of vampire twins

While I'm not the biggest fan of the artistic vague storytelling of this genre the story itself is a good one.  Be warned that female nudity isn't the only nudity in it and the male nudity is full frontal including a scene in which a female vampire chops off a male vampire penis. Don't worry though.  Way more attractive women compared to those few moments.

I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  If you like this genre of film you'll like this movie.  If not, fast forwarding to the fang parts works too.

Vampiress Review: "Lust of the Vampire Girls"

The Gist: A man in search of his girlfriend must save her from a doctor who is experimenting with women and turning them into vampires.

Clarification: Pretty cut and dry plot which suffers from the affliction of trying to make a tragic protagonist but forgetting to give him characteristics that make you feel sorry for him thus making him an unlikable jerk.   Basically guy is dating a woman, tells woman not to go out, she goes out anyway and gets kidnapped, he goes searching for her, while looking for her pretty much says screw her and goes after the first hot chick he finds.  Seriously that's how the hero functions. 

Selling Point:  The film does pay homage to the Jean Rollins film Lips of Blood by having nameless vampire women in see through outfits (minus bare breasts)

Female Vampire Factor: As the title states all the women in the film are vampires.  They were created with a serum that a German doctor created for immortality but the side effects were blood lust and fangs and it only worked on women.

For the most part you only see them in these church scenes hissing (a lot) but there is at least one scene in which they are shown to have the ability to speak and aren't feral.

The one exception being the protagonists girlfriend who once he finds her finds out that when she was given the serum it didn't quite work out for her and she was totally feral

Which as mentioned before would have been kind of sad had the protagonist actually had any likeable qualities which he doesn't so he pretty much yells at her, tells her he never loved her and kills her then immediately moves on with one of the vampire girls who pretty much is the true protagonist of the film as she's the only one with any positive personality traits.

Story and entertainment wise the movie isn't very good thanks to poor character development but as far as the women with fangs go it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  That is definitely the one thing this film gets right.

Vampiress XXX Review: "Girlsway's Vampires"

The Gist:  A girl and her blind sister move to a new town where she gets turned into a vampire after meeting up with a girl on an online dating site.

Clarification: Girlsway is a site dedicated to very high quality lesbian based porn and this is an ongoing 5 part mini series.  There's honestly nothing original about it as it pretty much has the same storyline as the first two Lost Boys films but with lesbians. 

Selling Point: Very high quality movie as opposed to your sex scenes with a slight hint of a storyline that has become commonplace.  Also membership in this site gives you access to their other films including my personal favorite horror porn they've done, the lesbian sex zombie mini series The Turning which is very vampire like in itself.

Female Vampire Factor: The one takeaway I have with this is that they're energy vampires (basically a succubus) so no fangs or blood drinking.  Basically they have sex with their victims and as their victims orgasm they absorb the persons life force via mouth transfer that looks like purple smoke. Though they do have nice contacts when they get hungry and Melissa Moore in her sex scenes does get very animalistic as she gets hungrier. The mini series is split into five parts.

Episode one is the longest of the episodes.  Lucy (Abigail Mac) and her blind sister Ella (Shyla Jennings) move into their dads vacation home in California where Ella is excited to touch pine trees and smell the air.  After moving in Lucy heads to a dating ap where she matches with Willow (Melissa Moore).  After exchanging naughty pics Lucy heads to Willows house.  After Lucy tells Willow about her blind sister she seems very nervous about waking up her family while Lucy just wants sex.  We eventually find out unbeknownst to Lucy that Willow and her family are a brood of vampires and her sisters (Carter Cruise & Georgia Jones) insist on feeding on her.  Willow instead convinces her mother (Jelena Jensen) to turn her in exchange for her own freedom (as only so many vampires can be free at one time).

In Episode 2 Lucy wakes up and heads back home where she gets very ill much to the concern of her sister.  When Ella insists on Lucy letting her in to help, Lucy gets very hungry.  This results in Lucy seducing and having sex with Ella and attempting to feed on her.  Luckily she is stopped by the cross Ella was wearing and they have a heart to heart where Ella vows to help Lucy with her issue.

Ella gets a phone call warning her that the brood who turned Lucy is looking for her and are on their way.  They turn to a vampire hunter named Vanessa (Serena Blair) for help but have to convince her that Lucy isn't a threat once she learns the truth about her.  Once she's convinced the hunter explains that her issue can be reversed if they kill the head vampire. Before they can do this Lucy will need to feed and Serena volunteers. 

Lucy and Ella along with vampire hunter Vanessa go to the vampires home to burn it to the ground.  Eventually Lucy gets separated from the other two and captured by Anya along with her recently awoken vampire daughter Angelica (Angela White) who have their way with Lucy and it's up to Serena and Ella to rescue her.

In the final chapter of the mini series Anya goes after the sisters in revenge of what they have just done to her home and Angelica.  Anya's plan is to separate the sisters and go after the more vulnerable of the two - the blind and human Ella.  With no one to rescue her it's up to Ella to resist the vampires powers and not become her newest daughter.

It is very well done from a story telling perspective and most of the acting isn't actually bad (other than Shyla Jennings who comes of very stereotypical as far as porn acting goes.)  I give it a vampire beauty rating of 3 out of 5.  The scene in part 1 between Jelena Jenson and Melissa Moore is easily the highlight of the series.

In fact after part 1 the rest is somewhat disappointing.

Vampiress Review: "Underworld: Blood Wars"

The Gist: After years of hunting her the vampires are desperate and want her to come back to the fold to help train the next generation of death dealers but a pair of rogue vampires sabotage the reunion.

Clarification: At this point in the series the idea of continuity is pretty much thrown out the window. The beginning of these films are not only used as a form of recap but to explain exactly why nothing that happened in the previous films will really be addressed in the one you're about to watch other than having flashbacks as time filler since the actors from those films aren't in it.

Basically this continues the vampire snow white story that they keep recycling for the franchise.  Selene is the greatest thing since sliced bread and someone is jealous so they frame her so that the vampire higher ups believe she's turned on her own kind and she has to clear her name.

Selling Point: Recycled storyline or not it's a pretty good action/adventure franchise.

Female Vampire factor: Of course we know of Selene played by Kate Beckinsale.

The main antagonist of the film who plays the "wicked queen" role is Semira played by Lara Pulver

 Also with her is a vampiress named Alexia played by Daisy Head who is herself a double agent as she is conspiring against both sides with her lover who is a Lycan which as seen below doesn't get her too far.

Finally Selene has a vampiress on her side as well in the form of the healer and teleporter Lena played by Clemintine Nicholson

This film is easily the best use of female vampires in the entire franchise so I'll give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  Still more of a Lord of the Rings style fantasy adventure than anything horror related and it still doesn't make sense to me that werewolves and vampires depend on firearms and weapons but it could be much worse.  While the film does end with a hint that a spinoff franchise is coming it seems that it will more likely be on the small screen and the Selene story may be over.

Vampiress XXX Review: "Cathula 2: Vampires of Sex"

The Gist: Various ghouls, demons and the devil bring female victims to the Vampiress Cathula

Clarification: This film has less plot than the last one and that's saying something considering how little plot the last one had.  In fact there is very little carry over from that film whatsoever.   Basically it's almost two and a half hours of non stop sex and orgies with dark horror backgrounds involving actors with altered voices with an attempt at a movie in the first 10 and last 20 minutes.  You honestly could go the entire film without knowing it's a vampire movie which is how little that aspect is even acknowledged after the first 20 minutes or so of attempted plot involving the resurrection of Cathula.

Selling Point: The lesbian scenes are the only really watchable parts of the movie which pretty much make up half of it.

Female Vampire Factor: On top of the above point about the quality of the lesbian scenes, the one around the 40 minute mark of the film is literally the only one in which the women show any fang at all despite the fact that this film is supposed to be about women being turned into vampires as both women have fangs out the entire scene.

Other than that the only other time you see a woman with fangs in this vampire movie is the very last scene in which Cathula (Cathy Berry) fangs out into the camera.

Lack of a linear story pretty much kills the enjoyment factor of this franchise for me.  I get it's a porn and you're only supposed to watch it for sex but when you attempt a plot, just kind of tossing it around and throwing in effects and edits for the sake of doing it, that hurts it more than helps it.  It's almost as if watching the first and the second hours are almost two different movies (and had the whole movie been similar to the last part of it the film would have been much more enjoyable).  In fact, edit this movie down to an hour centering it around the Cathula scenes and adding a scene set up or two would make this movie pretty good.  I give it a Vampire Beauty rating of 2 out of 5.