Vampiress Review: "The Return of Dracula"

The Gist: Dracula sneaks into the United States by murdering and taking the place of a man who was moving there to live with his long lost family.

Clarification:  This is easily one of the most trusting families in Cinema considering their new cousin is quite the creepy molester type who is very hands on with the girl who is supposed to be his high school aged cousin.  Of course they just pass his creepiness off as him not being accustomed to the American ways of not being a groping molester (legitimate 1950's logic).

Luckily for them a vampire hunter has followed him to the United States under the guise of a government agent just in time to prevent him from turning her into one of the undead.

Selling Point: Unless you're a completionist as far as Dracula movies go not much.  This isn't a bad movie at all its just that Hammer Horrors first Dracula movie "Horror of Dracula" came out later the same year and was far superior since this film is quite toned down with it's implied horror compared to Hammers graphic horror.

Female Vampire Factor: This film follows the premise of most Dracula films that would come after the 1930's Bella Lugosi film. Dracula has his eyes on one attractive female but for whatever reason goes after a completely unrelated one first.  In the original it was Lucy, in this it would be a young blind girl named Jennie (Virginia Vincent).

  Jennie meets the same fate Lucy does in pretty much the exact same manor. 

The main object of his affection as mentioned is the young daughter of the family he lives with Rachael (Norma Eberhardt).

1958 promotional photo for the film

Unfortunately per usual with these films Dracula takes too long and dies before he can finish his plan. The above promotional still is the closest you get to an undead Rachael which is not in the film other than he does paint a picture of her in this pose.

There is only one piece of graphic horror in this film with the staking of Jenny in her coffin (which is  also the only part of the film in color).  Otherwise no biting or fangs and the worst thing you get is a dog attacking a guy.  I give it Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  It's very easy to see how Hammer Horror became the go to production company for Dracula films in this era.

Vampiress Review: "Dracula: The Impaler"

The Gist: A group of teenagers venture off to Dracula's castle in Transylvania for their final trip together before going off to college because one of them had a dream about a female vampire.

Clarification: This is one of those horror films where the main protagonists are basically the most annoying teenagers in the world with the survival instincts of a lemming and in all reality you watch the whole thing wishing if someone is going to kill them that they'd hurry up.  Basically if you've seen any Friday the 13th films you pretty much get what type of film this is.

With that being said all of that is tied into the film well and it actually makes for a very entertaining indy horror flick.  As far as it's ranking as a vampire film it's not so high considering the major plot twist which I will get into later.

Selling Point: A very satisfying horror film with a very well told story.

Female Vampire Factor: The caretaker of the castle is a woman named Veronica (Diana Busuioc)

She is your stereotypical really creepy yet extremely sexy Romanian countess type.  She takes a liking to one of her new house guests the second she sees him.  Eventually we learn in the film that she is really Elisabeta the wife of Vlad the Impaler aka Dracula who's lived in the castle for thousands of years and her obsession with the young man is that she wants to do a ceremony placing Dracula's spirit into his body but get this...that isn't even close to being the major plot twist of this film.

There is even a scene in the film where one of the girls of the group has an unfortunate and deadly meeting with Dracula's harem of B-team brides (I say B-team since obviously they aren't as important as Elisabeta since they're stuck locked in the same room together.)

 As I mentioned before though this is barely a vampire film.  In fact the vampirism is all implied, no fangs and even in the above scene the girl is actually stabbed to death and more eaten than having her blood sucked.  In fact it not being a vampire movie is part of the twist. Because of that though I have to give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  Awesome horror movie but if you're holding out for some vampire scenes you will be highly disappointed.

Vampiress Review: "All Hallows Eve"

The Gist: A group of friends on Halloween take turns telling scary stories.

Clarification: I probably should have put "scary" in quotes as all but one actually deal with anything monster like (that being the vampire one).  The other two consists of a guy getting hunted down after going hunting instead of spending his one year anniversary with his girlfriend and another being a  jealous girl murdering a woman she sees as a threat to her relationship.  All three stories end with some type of plot twist.  Most of those being pretty imaginative.

Selling Point: The only reason this film is rated R is the vampire portion which has nudity.

Female Vampire Factor:  In the third and last story the guy in the story is having sex with a woman who sprouts fangs and bites him (Daniela Glenn).

He eventually comes home to his girlfriend who is unreasonably OK with the whole "infidelity" thing but informs him that the woman who bit him was probably a vampire named Bloody Mary and he's been marked.  He is skeptical at first but as he ends up constantly fantasizing about the woman he finally believes her but ends up under her trance anyway.

The twist being that in the story "Bloody Mary" has a sister that takes her place after she's killed and that sister ends up being the girlfriend who ends up taking the guy for herself.

I thoroughly enjoyed the whole movie.  As far as the vampire portion goes it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  Basically it's an Evilwomenmovies storyline but not as cheesy and better produced.   It's not a long film and isn't drawn out so I do recommend checking it out.

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Camp"

The Gist:  A vampire hunter puts together a camp to train people in the art of vampire hunting just for the camp to be overtaken by the undead.

Clarification: This film is a campy low budget comedy.  It's middle of the road campy so it's not annoyingly over the top.  If there is any drawback I can think of its the annoying use of sound effects to the point that you want to mute the TV when people do things like eat garlic or drink.   The main comedic premise is that the owner of the vampire hunting school does not recognize that his students are either disappearing or are vampires despite very obvious vampire stereotypical looks and behaviors. Part of that being because many of them are attractive women and he apparently gets very clueless when he's thinking with his "other" brain.

Selling Point:  Most of them are vampires in your classic sense.  That means stalk and feed so you do get a few fang flashes.

Female Vampire Factor:  Basically all the females but two are vampires in the film and all can be seen front and center here (I said they were obvious right?).

 The main vampire in the film is Camelia (Cat Gould in red with cloak above).  She is the mastermind behind the plan to infiltrate the vampire clan and her part in the plan is to seduce the hunter.

Angela (Mallory Marie Wedding) is the only "non evil" vamp of the film. 

She ends up falling for one of the campers and turns against her clan to help hunt them.  The other three female vamps of the film "Flavia (Kalindi Garcia front row left)

Bianca (Catherine Franklin second row left with boots)

and Jailbait (Brittany Granstrom second row behind Camelia)

No fangs out of her during the film as she gets offed shortly after being introduced thanks to forgetting her sun block.

I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  More hits than misses as far as the comedy goes but is watchable at least once.  It hints that there will be a vampireless sequel called Zombie Camp but I can't say I'm really looking forward to it.

Vampiress XXX Review: "Ejacula"

The Gist: A clock repairman is sent to a castle for a job and barely makes it out alive when he's confronted by the vampire owners.  He then recruits a vampire hunter as revenge.

Clarification:  So if you're looking for a deep story you might want to skip this one.  The backstory only really exists at the very beginning and as an occasional break from the vampire orgy's otherwise just different variations of either vampire guy or girl having sex with random person, or each other, or a hunchback played by Ron Jeremy.

Selling Point: If you're really into the Dracula look (cloaks) and fangs the vampires in this film are pretty much always sporting them.

Female Vampire Factor:  Ejacula is played by Patricia Kennedy

Maybe it's just because it was the decade I hit puberty but something about women in the 90's drives me wild.  In spite of the fact that this movie looks pretty old as anything that was on VHS will look (don't get me wrong this was produced in 1992 so it IS old) and in spite of the ridiculous makeup they put her in she is smoking hot in this film.

 Actually maybe she isn't.  I'm easily distracted by long legs which she definitely is sporting here.

Either way this is basically just a film you're watching for the sex and not the story.  Her fangs are completely out when she's having sex which I know some of you are very particular about.

Also she does feed in the film so there is supposed to be some horror elements. (though they aren't very good).

also she isn't the only female vampire as there is one in a vampire orgy scene that is credited as "Vampira" played by Alessandra.

The film doesn't actually have an ending as there is a sequel that continues the story.  As porn goes it's average at best but it does try.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Ninjas vs Vampires"

The Gist: A loser down on his luck after getting rejected by the girl of his dreams ends up knee deep in the middle of a war between a clan of supernatural ninjas and a brood of vampires when the vampires target her.

Clarification: Unlike many vampire "vs" movies this one isn't false advertising and is an out and out action film.  The film mixes quite a bit of comedy in with the action with much of it being references mocking the Twilight films.  As far as the story goes it's basically a more comedic version of the film "Vampires: The Turning" with only slight changes.  

Selling Point: The film doesn't have many real low points and has high rewatchability.

Female Vampire Factor:  There are a few in the film but only two get any major screen time.  The first being the vampire ally of the Ninjas Lily (Carla Okouchi).

She's the "I'm a vampire but kept my morals" stereotype where she only feeds on other vampires.  The vampires of the film would prefer she be on their side as she is very skilled.

The second is the second in command of the evil vamps Lorna (Liz Christmas).

I can't say enough about how much I loved this character.  She's the perfect combination of sexy, hostile and sadistic despite how tiny she is.

There is also a dream sequence in which the girl the film revolves around Alex (Devon Brookshire) vamps out.

There are plenty of other vampires in the film but they barely get screen time outside of the fight scenes.  It's a pretty decent film.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.

Vampiress XXX Review: "Vampire Cheerleaders"

The Gist: A group of unconventional cheerleaders struggle to put together a routine to win partially because they're terrible at cheering and partially because they're vampires.

Clarification: So the backstory is more just filler.  Basically every scene is girl seduces guy or guys with two of them followed by the girls feeding.  The one threesome scene with Krissie Dee has no feeding (as her sex is to prevent her from needing to feed apparently).

Selling Point: The final scene in which the girls let Veronica Layke join the squad but feeding on her then having a group lesbian orgy

Female Vampire Factor: As the title states all the women in the film are vampires

Your Roster is.....

Joanna Angel

Jessie Lee

 Krissie Dee

 Draven Star

 Veronica Layke

 If you're into women with tattoo's this is for you.  As a vampire film it's kind of lacking but still has it's moments.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.