Vampiress Review: "The Sisterhood"

The Gist: A girl gets recruited to join a sorority but her professor believes that her new friends are evil.

Clarification:  The director of this film also made the 2001 film The Brotherhood (and it's subsequent non vampire related sequels) which had a similar premise using a frat as a backdrop featuring a bunch of guys in their underwear so this is basically the guy friendly alternative to that film (That film did have a female vampire of sorts but nothing vampiric ever happens with her).  The story of this film is a college professor puts her students life in danger in order to prove her suspicion that a sorority is evil then waits till the last possible second (and after other girls have already been sacrificed) to save the students life.

Selling Point: This film contains a bit of slutty lesbianism

Female Vampire Factor:  Though the entire sorority is vampires the only one who fangs out is the sorority president Devin (Michelle Borth)

This scene which is the films end is literally the only vampiric thing in this movie. The rest of the film basically just comes off as a porn-less softcore porn playing off the sorority girl cliche.

So the premise is great but the execution is lacking as it doesn't have enough horror to be a good horror movie or enough smut to be a good smut film.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Stick with the film "Vamp U" (or the vampire episode of Smallville) if you want a more entertaining and vampiric version of the evil sorority story.

Vampiress Review: "Club Dead"

The Gist: A group of co-workers head to an exclusive night club just to find that it's a restaurant for vampires and they're on the menu.

Clarification: A bunch of twenty somethings spend every weekend trying to get into a club but can't.  That is until a new girl named Judy shows up to work with them.  The first time she hangs out with them the owner of the club takes notice and lets the group in just to have her inside.  Once in, the crew gets picked off one by one by the patrons of the club while the new girl is seduced by the son of the head vampire.  It's up to the final remaining co worker and a vampire hunter to save Judy before she becomes the wife of a vampire. 

Selling Point: It's a pretty decent vampire survival horror film when it does get started.

Female Vampire Factor: Well as is said in the clarification pretty much everyone other than the group of co-workers are vampires in the film.  Only a few fang out and only one is preditorial and that being the head vampire known as "Madame" (Caroline Gombe)

She spends the bulk of the film seducing Judy but like I mentioned it turns out she wanted Judy for her son as he needed a virgin (and she apparently was the only one in Hollywood).

One of the other girls in the group April (Taisha Monique Clark) also turns but it's seen very briefly.

Finally Judy herself (Hope Alexandria Harris) does end up taking the Madames place as the owner of the club as seen in the films final scene

 Outside of that you get some randoms here in there as the film starts to reveal the true intentions of the club.  With a couple exceptions it's mostly the women who do the biting.

 The only real complaint I have for the film is how long it takes for the horror portion to get started.  Unlike something like "From Dusk Till Dawn" where at least an action crime story was happening.  In this case when vampire stuff isn't happening it's just people standing in line or serving food.  Other than that it's well above average for an indy vampire horror film (for what that's worth).  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Dan Curtis' Dracula"

The Gist:  Dracula but Dan Curtis-y???

Clarification:  Dan Curtis is probably best known for the Dark Shadows series from the 1960's.  The film stars Jack Palance in probably his least scary character.  For those too young to remember Jack Palance he was just scary in general

so for him to end up not being scary playing Dracula had to take some work.  Not sure if it was the slicked back black hair or the awkward scene where he kind of hisses in circles when presented with a cross.   Otherwise it's a no frills film based on the Bram Stoker novel.

Selling Point: If you're a Dracula film collector this is definitely a Dracula film.

Female Vampire Factor:  So no different than any other novel based Dracula.  It's very disappointing if you're a Dark Shadows fan as that was way better than this.  The Brides are just random attacking monsters in a very quick scene (the standard for made for TV movie Dracula films like this)

The only other female fangs of the film is Lucy Westenra (Fiona Lewis)

The film really isn't anything to write home about by any standard. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.

Where to Watch

Vampiress Review: "Dracula" (2006)

The Gist:  A man suffering from an illness summons Count Dracula in hopes of being cured in order to consummate his marriage.

Clarification:  Obviously this is not your run of the mill Dracula story though in reality there isn't much difference between the original story and this as far as the interactions with the characters and Dracula.  The biggest difference is that the main character is Aurthur Holmwood and not Jonathan Harker who is killed very early in the film (and no brides BTW). In this version Aurthur summons Dracula after finding out that he's been alive for 900 years with the idea that having whatever is keeping Dracula alive would cure his STD allowing him to finally have sex with his fiance/wife Lucy.  This of course doesn't turn out well as Dracula instead takes a liking to Lucy leading to her death (and undeath) and it's up to Dr. John Seward who treated Lucy until her death and questions what happened to her to help stop Dracula before he takes Mina Murray as well.

Selling Point: Enough of a twist that it doesn't seem like you're watching the same film if you've seen Dracula films before.

Female Vampire Factor:  Only one in the film and that being Lucy Westenra played by Sophia Miles.

It's the same Lucy scene as in the novel with the group heading to her crypt to try to kill her just to catch her on her way back from feeding.  The dialogue is different since the films storyline is slightly different but the same general premise.   This scene is the only set of female fangs in the film.

 Miles was also seen as the love interest of the main vampire in the TV show Moonlight and probably her biggest vampire role was as Erika in the original Underworld film.  As for this, it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Saint Dracula 3D"

The Gist: Dracula sets his sites on a young woman who is about to become a nun.

Clarification:  This is apparently director Rupesh Paul's attempt at telling a Dracula story as if it was a Shakespeare play.  Specifically it's a Shakespeare style romantic tragedy.  One that consists of Dracula raping nuns in the middle of the night.  The movie is ridiculously hard to follow because it is formatted like a play with scenes cut together with really nothing tying them in.  Basically a scene starts and you have to wait until you get enough info from the dialogue to be able to place what's going on and where it lays in the timeline of the film.

Selling Point:  If you've been looking for a 3D Dracula film without those scary giant praying mantises in it.  This is the one for you.

Female Vampire Factor:  Dracula does have a "Bride" (she's more like a henchperson really).  She's seen as his snack in the films first half hour.  Spurts some fangs and pretty much disappears after that.  She's played by actress Anna Passey.

 This is the only time you see her fangs to my recollection.  She actually does attack a few people in the films very beginning but you really don't see the attacks just her showing up then the shot changing and her victim screaming.

 Since she exists and is attractive it's enough to give it a vampire beauty rating of 2 out of 5. 

Vampiress Review: "Fist of the Vampire"

The Gist: A detective goes undercover in an illegal underground pit fighting ring just to find out it is run by a group of vampires.

Clarification:  Warning,  this is a pretty terrible film.   It does become slightly more watchable once it gets to modern times as the film starts with a family being murdered in the 1970's and in order to give it an "old footage" vibe uses a filter that makes it barely visible.  Otherwise you've got mostly cheesy special effects and obviously choreographed fight scenes to where it looks like you're watching a martial arts class for beginners doing drills with terribly performed dialogue in between (the cast consists of many minor league pro wrestlers and amateur mma fighters). The level of amateurish I'd give it is an action video game from the late 1990's. 

Selling Point: Seduction Cinema's Darian Cain is the best thing in the film.

Female Vampire Factor: As mentioned in the selling point Seduction Cinema vet Darian Cain is one of the main vampires in the film.

Her character doesn't stray too far away from her standard role basically being a horny vampire nympho.  Most of her screen time involves her getting naked or lusting after someone.  Sadly her character is barely utilized in the film with the head vampire getting most of the screen time.  She does in a night of sex accidentally turn two other girls but that is never revisited in the film.

I give this film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5. The story is fine and wraps up pretty nicely (no indy film A.D.D. here) it's just the presentation being the main drawback.   

Vampiress Review: "Thirst"

The Gist: A priest who becomes a vampire after being transfused with tainted blood falls for a neglected wife and ends up regretting the decision.

Clarification:  This is a long and strange movie to say the least so if you attempt to watch it have some time. Especially since a good majority of the film is in Korean so there is a lot of reading.  The majority of the film deals with the priests internal struggle with his devotion to Catholicism and the vampirism making him really horny all the time. This leads to really awkward sex scenes between him and the woman he falls for who happens to be a women he grew up with that he reconnects with when her husband (who he also knew as a child) gets cancer and his mother seeks out the priest to prey for him.

Selling Point: Foot fetishists will love this super weird film.

Female Vampire Factor: As mentioned the Priest falls for a neglected wife who he eventually turns named Ok-bin played by Tae-Ju

Ok-bin was an orphan when they knew each other as children.  She was taken in by the family of her eventual husband and raised by them with the two eventually getting married seemingly by force of his family.   The couple live together with her mother in law, all of which treat her like dirt basically. 

She spends the first part of the movie once her character is introduced sneaking out to see the priest for sex sessions (she's super kinky and has a very dirty mind and mouth BTW).  Once she's turned she becomes a complete monster who gets a thrill from murdering people despite the priest trying to convince her that they don't need to kill to survive (They only need enough blood to keep their body from deteriorating from disease.) 

By the films end the priest becomes sick of her defiance and finds a way to put a permanent end to the mess he created. 

The vampires in this film don't have fangs and stab in order to get the blood (she does at least as the violent one of the two).  While the film is very sexual none of that has to do with the vampirism which is kept separate from the sexuality.  I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5. 

Vampire XXX Review: "Twilight Suckers: La Villa dei Desideri Proibiti"

The Gist:  A couple go to a club that is inhabited by vampires.

Clarification:  This is an Italian language hardcore porn.  Their isn't much as far as storyline goes and in a way comes off as a porn version of From Dusk Till Dawn if you took away basically everything that isn't the strip club part and end it without the action scenes.  As far as the vampirism goes, nothing vampirc really happens until the end and the bulk of the film is oral sex.

Selling Point:  If you're into to oral sex scenes you've got plenty of it.

Female Vampire Factor:  Good News is there are three major female characters in the film and they all fang out at some point.  There's two blondes from the club Cristal Jolie

and  Laura De Santis

and finally you have the female of the couple who gets turned after having sex with one of the male vampires played by Scarlet De Lis

The bad news is as said above outside of the very end, it's not very vampiric. I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.

Vampiress XXX Review: "One Dark Night: Tale of a Sweet Vampire"

The Gist: A woman lives off of sucking the semen from men.

Clarification: So pretty much just a japanese version of Jess Franco's "Female Vampire"if it was less vampirey but hardcore and the victims don't die.  .

Selling Point: If you're into asian woman and oral sex you'll love this since that's all you get here.

Female Vampire Factor: The star of this film is Marie Konishi

Honestly this is just a straight porn.  No fangs just a tiny japanese woman making slurping noises on pixelated genitalia.  Nothing more, nothing less It gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "The Monster Squad"

The Gist:  A group of teenage monster hunters are in competition with Dracula for an ambulate that prevents monsters from taking over.

Clarification:  The 1980's were full of teenage group adventure movies most of which were very popular and this one is no different.  Basically this film is The Goonies vs Universal Monsters instead of Pirates.

Selling Point: If you like classic style 80's adventure movies this is a decent one.

Female Vampire Factor:  Since the lead monster is Dracula (the literary version and not just a vampire with a cloak) He does take three brides who are random schoolgirls.  They're only seen toward the films end when Dracula is coming after the kids.

In fact, the only time you even get a good look at them is when they're getting killed.

Outside of that it really isn't a vampire film as much as a film that happens to have vampires in it.  I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Vampires: Out for Blood"

The Gist: A detective with troubles in his home life takes a case to find a missing socialite and ends up neck deep in vampires.

Clarification:  The first thing that you will recognize when watching this film is that the vampire season from "American Horror Story" seems to mirror a lot of things from this film.  Though personally I preferred the story from this film over that series and not just because the vampires here have fangs (though they're the Buffy the Vampire Slayer "Klingon" style vampires).  In this film the cops estranged wife is a vampire fiction writer similar to Stephanie Myer of "Twilight" fame who he eventually uses to learn more about vampires.  She uses him as well but we'll get more into that later.

Selling Point:  Jodi Lynn O'keef is pretty hot when not in vampire mode in this one. Which is way more than you can say for her almost turned but didn't time on The Vampire Diaries as Dr. Jo.

Female Vampire Factor:  When the cop Hank does find the missing girl Layla (Jodi Lynn Okeef) he immediately learns that she's now a vampire and doesn't need anyone's help when she easily man handles a guy with fresh hands.

Sadly she (as well as all the vampires in this film) are super ugly when they turn.

This is especially disturbing when the sexy 1990's version of Lisa from the TV Show Weird Science who once looked like this.

Was turned into this. 

Vanessa Angel plays Hanks ex wife.  She doesn't believe him about the vampires at first but when she finds out they're real she agrees to help him.  It's then revealed at the films end that she was only helping him to get close to the vampires in hopes that they'd turn her which as you can see above they do.

So you've got a film with some really hot female vampires who aren't hot whatsoever when they fang out.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.