Vampiress Review: "Vampire Vixens from Venus"

The Gist: A group of three aliens land on earth in order to steal the life force of sexually aroused men.

Clarification:  So this is the true definition of false advertising as there are no vampires in this film.  The aliens in this film use a contraption that goes on men's heads after they're aroused that seems to melt them into shriveled husks. The bulk of the movie is quirky style comedy, especially scenes that deal with the head detective involved with finding out what's going on with the aliens victims. This is a positive as most "B" films from this era go with the goofy slapstick stuff.  Unlike those films that feel like they're trying too hard this one will make you laugh.  Well it will if you can last passed the awful alien parts. 

Selling Point: It has full frontal nudity during a time where that was considered a big deal outside of porn.  Also as mentioned it does have some legit funny moments.

Female Vampire Factor:  So this movie goes by your B grade movie rule of threes

Two of the women, a blonde named "Arylai" (J.J. North, far right) and a brunette named "Omay" (former penthouse pet Leslie Glass, center) are pretty straight forward characters with not much substance to them.  They're hot and all business.   Then you have "Shirly" (Theresa Lynn,  far left).

She's your stereotypical dumb blond (though she's a red head in the film) thrown in for comic relief and pretty much the most entertaining thing you'll find in the film from the alien standpoint.  She obviously didn't put much effort into studying human behavior as she does things like tell alien jokes to humans not to mention her idea of seducing is "Do you want a blowjob?"

The twist of the film is the character "Shampay" (Michelle Bauer) who ends up being one of the aliens as well though you never see her interact with the other aliens of the film till after the reveal.  She spends the bulk of the film seducing the lead detective on the case as a distraction from finding out about the other girls.  If you want to see her as an actual vampire check out my reviews of the films "Beverly Hills Vamps" and "Morgana".

Outside of the the small bits of comedy it's a dud of a movie especially if you were expecting actual vampires and not aliens using a Polaroid instant camera of death (watch it and you'll understand why I called it that).  This film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  

The Vampiress Episode: "Nightmare Classics"

"Carmilla"

Season 1

Episode 2

The Gist:  Sickness and death follow a family after they take in an orphan after her parents die in a carriage accident.

Clarification:  Carmilla is one of the oldest stories of vampirism in literature and quite controversial for it's time as the story revolves around a lesbian vampire which was pretty taboo when it was written in the late 1800's.  As it goes Carmilla is really Mircalla Karnstein who is the youngest member of a family of vampires and her con is for something to happen to her parents where she has to be left with a family to stay.  Once she's invited into their home she slowly drains them of blood until they die.  She ends up falling for the daughter of the family she ends up staying with and it's up to the young woman's family to save her from Carmilla's bite.

Selling Point: Girl on Girl makout sessions.

Female Vampire Factor:  Carmilla in this film is played by Meg Tilly.

This would be the Tilly without the helium voice (That would be her sister Jennifer).  So here's the kicker when it comes to this movie.  If you take the film The Vampire Lovers (which is also the same story) and take away all the "Hammer Horror" out of it meaning the blatant vampirism is now replaced with implied vampirism then you have this film.   Both films have Carmilla shape shifting into different creatures to do her blood drinking but at least when it comes to the Vampire Lovers once they're on to her she's all fangs.   In this she does bite in human form toward the end but it's fang free and you can't really tell it's biting until the fang marks are seen when she's done.

So this gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  "The Vampire Lovers" is still the be all end all of how to do the Carmilla story.

Vampiress Review: "Carmilla"

The Gist:  After students on her campus start going missing a journalism major believes her new roommate is not only responsible but that she's a vampire.

Clarification: So if Nickelodeon and Logo ever came together this seems like the type of show that would be on it.  Everyone is young on the show (the lead character "Laura" is supposed to be nineteen) and there is a TON of lesbian undertones but not the "Cinemax after dark" kind but more the "L-Word" kind.  In other words exactly what you would think a tampon company would produce if they were allowed to make a show (U by Kotex is listed as an executive producer).

The series itself is basically a stage play for online viewing.  One set and basically anything action worthy happening off camera. Laura is more or less Carly from ICarly in this series doing an online diary.  It just so happens that everything happens while she's doing the diary.

Selling Point: Tons of lesbian kissing starting with season 2.

This is literally how season 1 ends!

Female Vampire Factor: Carmilla is played by Natasha Negovanlis.

So spoiler alert, she is a vampire but knowledge of the the Carmilla Karnstein story is meant to throw you off.  You're lead to believe that this is just a modern "Vampire Lovers" but it becomes a much deeper story where she's one of the "good guys" and it's her mother (who actually happens to be the dean) who's taking the students and she doesn't agree with it once Laura (her roommate) becomes next on the list as she falls for Laura.  Basically this whole series wreaks of the second season of the manga Rosario + Vampires but with lesbians.

Her character changes quite a bit from the first and second seasons.  In Season one she's a goth who comes off as a loner and her and Laura don't get along.  Once the second season comes along the two are a couple and they're pretty lovie dovie (well at least until the two are on the outs and then they go back to their season 1 ways)

Season two also introduces Carmilla's "sister" Mattie (Sophia Walker) who comes to the University to seek revenge on the ones responsible for the death of her mother (who the group kills at the end of the season 1)

Though it's more "I'm taking over the school and making your life miserable" revenge then anything horror like. 

So if you're looking for vampires, this really isn't the one for you. No fangs and two biting scenes in the entire series.  Unless you really like the not vampiry parts of True Blood, then you'll probably like this.  Actually it's not bad at all and kind of addicting to watch.  Especially if you skip to the later episodes of season 1 when stuff actually starts happening (when I say this series starts slow, I mean SLOW). 

UPDATE: Since this writing the series has been picked up as a full length feature film with an October 2017 release date.  View the first trailer HERE.

Season 1

Season 2

Season 0 (prequal)

Vampiress Review: "Die Vampir Schwestern"

The Gist: A pair of sisters who are half vampires struggle to fit in when their family moves from Transylvania to Germany.

Clarification:  This is a kids movie out of Germany.  It follows two 12 year old sisters Darkarvia and Silvania.  Their mother is a human and their father is a vampire and they move from Transylavania around people like themselves to Germany where they have to live with and interact with humans and go to a regular school.  There they deal with bullies and making friends along with the fact that their nosy neighbor is on to them and makes it his business to try and destroy them. 

Selling Point: It does actually have some vampiric moments

Female Vampire Factor:  So the two girls have completely different personalities.  Darkavia (Laura Roge) can best be described as gothic and wants more than anything to be a full vampire.

Silvania (Marta Martin) takes more after her mother and wishes to be human and lead a "normal" life.

In order to reach this goal they go to a magic shop where a man claims to be able to cast a spell that can grant them their wish.  Problem is he mixes up the spell granting each girl their sisters wish.  This results in Darkavia loosing all the vampire abilities that she depends on and Silvania pretty much becoming a blood thirsty monster.

The girls have rather small fangs for most of the film though Silvania files hers down when she's trying to fit in but after she's fully turned (about 1 hour in) she is full blown horror movie style vampire pretty much wanting to bite any human within arms length. Eventually they find a way to reverse the spell but for a brief period you got some great moments.   I give this film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3.5 out of 5 with the fact that it's a kids movie keeping it from a solid 4.  The film has since had a sequel with another on the way so still time for improvement as the cast gets older. 

Vampiress Review: Dracula A.D. 2015

The Gist: A retelling of the Hammer Horror vampire film, Dracula A.D 1972.

Clarification: Dracula A.D. 1972 would be the one Christopher Lee Dracula film that doesn't get mentioned at all in my blog entry on Hammer Horrors Dracula.  The reason being that it was the one Dracula film that didn't have any female vampires in it (a no, no for Hammer Horror vampire films as a whole and not just the Dracula Series).  The premise was that after being killed (again) during his time a distant relative of a follower of Dracula tricks some young people in 1970's London to participate in a seance to bring him back.  The kids freak out, Dracula comes back and one by one begins picking off the participants of the seance.  The problem with the film was that Dracula waits till the films end to decide he wants to turn a female (as he chooses to kill all the females instead) and is killed in the process.  Dracula without vampire brides is like James Bond hanging out at all mens clubs for an entire movie.  No one wants to see that.  Anyway if you want to see the original I've included it below.

Changes between that film and this are very few premise wise.  Instead of London they're in New York and the "hippie kids" are now college students. The film even uses actual audio from the original film among other Hammer films.

Selling Point: Not only does this movie go out of it's way to correct the fatal flaw of the original film but it has several tributes to the female vampires of other Dracula films as well.

Female Vampire Factor: The first major change when it comes to the story is that the one who brings back Dracula is a female college professor named "Ingrid Stensgaard" (Bessie Nellis). For you Hammer experts that is a combination of the names of the first two actresses to play Carmilla Karnstain for Hammer, Ingrid Pitt and Yutte Stensgaard.  If you watched the original film you know that person does get turned which means you officially have female vampire #1.

 In a tribute to another hammer Dracula film Ingrid get's offed in the exact same manor as Barbera Shelly in "Dracula: Prince of Darkness"

 In fact in other tributes to that film the iconic "You Don't Need Charles" scene is used when Jennifer is looking for her boyfriend Andrew and one of her friends who has been turned "Diana" (Madelyn Wiley) is there to greet her instead.

 Diana later on uses the "Let Me Kiss You" line from that same scene from Prince of Darkness

 Joshua Kennedy does an EXCELLENT job with this film.  Despite it being a low budget film it doesn't come off as cheap IE effort was definitely put into it and it is a fitting tribute to the source material.  I honestly can't say enough good things about it.  A must see for fans of Hammer Horror and gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: Captain Kronus: Vampire Hunter

The Gist: A Vampire Hunter is sent to solve the deaths of women in a town from rapid aging.

Clarification: This is best described as if Countess Dracula was a swashbuckling action movie.  Only difference being that these are actual traditional vampires (the supernatural fanged kind) though the results are the same (blood drinking to preserve youth instead of nourishment).  The more they drink the younger they get.  It is even stated during the film that the family that the murders revolve around are distantly related to the Karnsteins of Hammers other series of films.

Selling Point: Kronus' assistant is played by the super sexy bond girl Caroline Munro 

Female Vampire Factor: This film falls under more of a "who done it" than your traditional Hammer vampire film we're used to where you know from the beginning who the vampire is but no one else in the film does so in this case you don't actually see your vampires till the very end. There is some bait and switch to keep you guessing but in the end (SPOILER ALERT!) it turns out that the old bed ridden widow of Captain Kronus' friend Lord Durward "Lady Durward" (Wanda Ventham) is in fact the vampire.

The reveal is done in a way that you never actually see her as a vampire (they only show the fangs but not who they belong to).

While the movie itself is entertaining this is just another Hammer Horror film in which I spent the whole thing hoping Caroline Munro would get turned and was completely let down (the other being Dracula A.D. 1972).  While a female being reveled as the vampire did act as a payoff having that T&A dangled in front of you the whole film for nothing to really happen with her is a disappointment.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Bonnie and Clyde vs Dracula

The Gist:  After a robbery goes wrong Bonnie of the famed criminal duo goes off looking for a doctor and ends up the prisoner of Dracula and his henchman and it's up to Clyde to save her.

Clarification:  This film follows a similar formula to From Dusk Till Dawn in that the bulk of the movie is not vampire related and concentrates on the events that lead up to Dracula's involvement. In fact Bonnie & Clyde pretty much are the Gecko brothers of this film spending the bulk of it robbing and murdering people.   Dracula's introduction to the film comes in the story of a young innocent girl named Annabel who's being forced to do the bidding of her controlling brother who has the body of Dracula and resurrects him for the purpose of possibly using him to cure the disfiguring condition he has.  The two stories then connect when Bonnie goes to Annabelles brother (who is a doctor) for help for their accomplice who was shot during a heist.

Selling Point:  Jennifer Friend as Annabelle is a pretty lovable character.

Female Vampire Factor:  Not going to beat around the bush here and just come out and say it (SPOILER ALERT) Bonnie (Tiffany Shepis) is indeed turned into a vampire by the films end.

Obviously this film isn't very historically accurate but it does have it's entertainment value though not as a horror movie.  The vampire portion of the film is the very end of the film and basically just consists of Clyde and the now turned vampire Bonnie shooting their way through groups of nameless vampires in the doctors mansion after apparently entering the unlimited ammo and no reloading cheat codes. I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Count Dracula"

The Gist: A mini series produced for the British Broadcasting Corporation based on the Bram Stoker novel.

Clarification: Same story just spread out to last nearly 3 hours to be shown over a number of days on television.  Since this was made for television in the 1970's it is a very PG adaptation replacing many of the more sexual aspects of the story with edgy camera tricks (for the time) and lots of random visions.  The acting is very soap opera like.

Selling Point:  Probably one of my favorite performances of vampire Lucy

Female Vampire Factor: First you have the brides (Susie Hickford, Belinda Meuldijk and Sue Vanner)

Thanks to the made for TV movie aspect of this film the role of the brides has been pretty much scaled down to where they are there but not really significant.  No sexuality involved in their scene with Jonathon Harker (it's more playful teasing) and they only show fang briefly during that scene and a subsequent scene where Jonathon finds them in their coffins.  There vampire side is not visited at all again after that.

  The one thing that sets this film apart is that once Dracula first trades blood with his victims they immediately grow fangs that stay out so both Lucy (Susan Penhaligon) and Mina (Judi Bowker) both have fangs without having to die.

Mina's fangs showing

Mina never even really hints at ever vamping out in the film but as mentioned above Lucy's time in the film is downright primal after meeting Dracula.  The scene in which she first vamps out when everyone comes to her deathbed is especially unique in this film compared to others with her taunting Quincy down to flicking her tongue at him.

This versions Lucy also growls A LOT.  In both the above scene and especially after she finally passes away and rises from her grave she is very animalistic.  Basically this makes the movie for me almost making up for the flaws (IE lack of vampirism) everywhere else.

To be honest the film is hard to watch in one sitting (though it wasn't meant to be) just due to the amount of detail they put into every aspect of every scene to pad the run time (meaning it takes what seams like forever to get to the good stuff) but vampire Lucy is enough for a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5. 

Vampiress Review: "The Dying"

The Gist:  It's a thrown together low budget vampire movie

Clarification:  Basically you have two movies here.  It comes off as the film makers having one idea for the film and then a half hour in changing their mind and going a totally different route.  Basically making it as if the film and it's own sequel are in the same film.

It starts out as a film about a white trash vampire slayer who is hunting down (terribly) a pair of vampires.  This portion of the film is barely watchable as it consists mostly of the slayer smoking and drinking with his alcoholic mother in their kitchen, dropping F-bombs every other word while threatening to kill vampires.

After that portion gets dropped the film becomes about the two vampires.  The younger of the two vampires is in a relationship with a girl who he got pregnant and she wants to be a part of his lifestyle.  At the same time the older vampire has to deal with one of his victims who he didn't finish off teaming up with another vampire who's out for revenge on him.

Selling Point: None to speak of

Female Vampire Factor:  This is a very cheap film so no fangs and how vampirism works here is never really explained.  They exist in sunlight and one of them even survives a stake through the heart but in the films end they easily go down after being shot (I guess for convenience purposes).  The only actual female vampire in the story is a woman named "Dawn" (Helene Colaizza).

She becomes a key part of the story in the films second half.  The fact that she's a vampire is a plot twist that isn't revealed till the finale (though she doesn't do anything vampiric).  Also included in the plot twist is she's a lesbian and was interested in the girl that was being hunted by the other vampires of the film.

There is a female in the film who drinks blood.  Sara (Rebekka Grella), the woman impregnated by a vampire decides to go ahead and drink blood as a bonding ritual.

I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  This one is pretty painful to watch.

Vampiress Review: "Mama Dracula"

The Gist:  Countess Elizabeth Dracula uses her sons as well as a scientists to help her get virgin blood to preserve her youthful looks.

Clarification:  When I was younger I always remembered this movie being on the same spot on the same shelf of the video store never moving.  Now I understand why.  This is a very corny comedy like film (I say comedy like because you can tell they were attempting comedy but fell flat).  The running joke of the film is that the Countess needs virgin blood but it's impossible for her to encounter one since modern women are sluts.

Selling Point:  The Countesses vampire sons own a dress shop where they kidnap women when they go into the changing room.  Generally the kidnapping happens AFTER the women go topless.

Female Vampire Factor:  Unfortunately non-existent. The only traditional vampires in the film (IE the fangy kind) are the twin sons of the countess.  The Countess herself (Louise Fletcher) is a vampire but only in the sense that she drinks human blood.

 She is not a supernatural vampire in the same way that her sons are.

This also gets spread to the one virgin they do find who takes over as Countess Dracula at the films end.

None the less it is basically just and alternative version of the Elizabeth Bathory story which isn't supernatural at all.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  To get this same story in a much better comedy try the 1985 Vampire comedy "Once Bitten".

Vampiress Review: "Countess Dracula"

The Gist:  Countess Elizabeth Nadasdy after discovering that bathing in the blood of virgins reverses her aging masquerades as her own daughter in order to seduce a younger man into marrying her.

Clarification: Basically the Elizabeth Bathory story but Hammer Horror version (IE with nudity and angry villagers).  Not much else to add that is not mentioned in the gist.  The Countesses biggest issue which leads to her downfall is her own greed as she sacrifices her loyal lover and her own daughter for the chance to live this younger life. That and the fact that her youth only comes back temporarily and every time it wears off she seems to age even older.  

Selling Point: Another excuse to see the late Ingrid Pitt naked.

Female Vampire Factor: Much to the surprise of some there are no female vampires in this film in the supernatural sense.  The countess is a regular mortal woman who has supernatural side effects when she partakes of and baths in the blood of virgins. She is a very wrinkly old woman normally

 but after her blood treatment she becomes Ingrid Pitt hotness (below).

 The reason the lack of your run of the mill Hammer Horror vampires is a surprise is because many reviewers and columnists incorrectly refer to this film as a traditional vampire movie when in reality the film that they are actually referencing is the film "The House that Dripped Blood" which also came out the same year as this one but featured Pitt playing a traditional vampire wearing a Dracula Style cape and rising from a coffin.  This film gets a Vampire Beauty rating of 1 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "The Malibu Beach Vampires"

The Gist: A group of female vampires set their sites on three men famous for taking advantage of people.

Clarification: This is a spoof parody comedy from the early 90's.  Basically the type of film that would appear on late night television back when late night television was just bikini movies and bad horror films for sex hot line numbers to advertise during.

So the premise stars people representing a crooked politician, a parody of Colonel Oliver North and a parody of Reverend Jim Bakker who are all in the public eye for some type of controversy.   The vampires of this film come around every few years to find and bite these type of people not to drink their blood but their fangs have some sort of truth serum which will force them to confess their devious ways.  That's right, this terrible movie could have been the inspiration for the Jim Carey film Liar Liar.

Selling Point: If you like dancing and singing this film is for you.

Female Vampire Factor: Most of the women in the film have fangs in some point of the film.  They're just very cheap looking rubber fangs.

The film itself is pretty hard to follow as the editing is pretty bad and there is little to no transitions between the multiple story lines that it tries to do.  In fact the film repeats itself several times I assume in an effort to pad the run time (it even starts with a preview of the film as the films beginning).

I give this film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  Terrible movie with a decent story and attractive women.  A similar better done version of the "mega hot supernatural female creature who seeks revenge on immoral people" story line is the film Succubus: Hell Bent.