Vampiress Review: "The Forsaken"

The Gist: A vampire hunter recruits a good Samaritan who picked him up to help him destroy a group of vampires in the desert.

Clarification:  This film concentrates on the folklore that someone who is bitten by a vampire can be cured as long as they are not fully turned if they kill the head vampire.  Since the head vampire is "special" he can only be destroyed by special means which makes it all the harder.  What makes matters worse is they have to drag a girl along who was bitten by the vampires and left to turn.  Before you ask, she doesn't as they have a medication that keeps the vampire "virus" at bey.

Female Vampire Factor:  Let's get this out of the way first...no fangs.  That makes this basically a cannibalistic horror film.  The only thing that sells that they're vampires is that all but the head vampire can be killed through all the old fashion ways including sunlight.  That makes this film basically a new age (IE early 2000's) version of the film "Near Dark".  Anyway with that out of the way there are two female vampires in the group played by Phina Oruche and Alexis Thorpe

You don't see much blood drinking in the film as the vampires tend to just murder people for fun more than for nourishment.  I give the film a Vampire Beauty rating of 1 out of 5.  To get a similar story with fangs basically watch any of the first two "John Carpenters Vampires" Films.

Vampiress XXX Reiview: "Sacred Love: The Feeding"

The Gist: An author suffering through writers blog attempts to write a romance novel about vampires

Clarification:  Basically this is your run of the mill hardcore porn film that attempts to have a plot.  In this case the bulk of the film is black and white badly acted artistic scenes that seem like something out of a 90's perfume add which represents the erotic novel being played out on screen.  The actual sex scenes are in color but anything with dialogue is black and white. The plot of the book itself is about a female vampire who wants to turn her human husband but the way the vampire curse works if he is not willing both will die (or something along those lines, they aren't very clear).

Selling Point: Angelica Sinns massively huge....  Well you see where I'm going.

Female Vampire Factor: Well I already mentioned Angelica Sinns who is the main vampire of the film "Veronica" who is looking to turn her mortal husband.  Veronica also has two nameless Henchwomen played by Gizzel and Nautica Thorn.

Their only scene in the film is a girl on girl not to mention these two are the only females with a bite scene but unfortunately none of the above mentioned females show fangs. In fact out of the four women in this film (all of which play vampires) the only one who does show fangs is Kim Chambers who plays the vampire queen.

The above screencap is the only time you see fangs in this entire film about vampires and in this case she was in her coffin sleep.  As soon as she wakes up they're gone.  As a porn the sex scenes are super hot and have tons of rewatchability.  As a vampire film it's terrible.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5. 

Lady Gaga to play vampire on TV series

Entertainment Weekly has an article up with an interview with Lady GaGa about playing "The Countess" in the upcoming season of the FX series American Horror Story subtitled "The Hotel".  The Countess owns a hotel and deals with personal issues regarding her personal life (past loves, existing as a high profile socialite while feeding on human blood etc).

  While every headline about the above magazine cover states that this is her "in character" I can't help but notice how much of a resemblance she has here to Catherine Deneuve from the 1983 vampire film The Hunger which says to me this is probably not the case.

Deneuve in "The Hunger"

Either way we will find out when the series premieres on October 7th.  Until then you can check out more images of GaGa as a vampire in my Celebrity Costume Gallery.

Vampiress TV review: Are You Afraid of the Dark

"The Tale of the Night Shift"

Season 5

Episode 10

Are You Afraid of the Dark was a series that aired on Nickelodeon originally from 1991 to 1996.  It was a kids version of shows like "The Twilight Zone" where every week a group of teens would sit around a camp fire and tell ghost stories that would play out on screen. Every once in awhile you would get a vampire episode including...

Season 1, Episode 8: The Tale of the Nightly Neighbor:  A rehash of the original "Fright Night" but in this version it's an entire family moving in.  It turns out by the stories end only the "son" is actually a vampire.

Season 6. Episode 8: The Tale of the Vampire Town:  A kid obsessed with vampires goes on a vacation with his parents in search for them and ends up finding out they're more real than he thought when the front desk clerk of the hotel he stays at ends up being one.

Fact is this show is probably the worst when it comes to female characters at all let alone female vampires and is quite disappointing.  The episode here is the closest thing you actually get to a female vampire and that's pushing it but here you go.

In this episode the story revolves around a hospital in which people start acting strange or go missing altogether after a package is delivered there earlier in the night.  The package ends up being a coffin with a vampire in it who spends the entire night feeding on the staff and patients.

Since the story begins with a very pale new girl starting at the hospital it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out what's going on.

Elizabeth Rosen

 The downside is when she turns she's a very green, very MALE vampire...

In fact while his main form is the innocent hospital volunteer "Margot" that is not the only female form he uses in this episode as he lours an unsuspecting maintenance apprentice to him as a cute blonde.

Irene Contogiorgis

So basically this episode was nothing more than a kiddie translation of the films "I Desire" (and to a lesser extend "Lady Dracula") with the vampire changing into an old green goblin thing replacing "hot vampiress".

Where to Watch

Vampiress Review: "Vampire Chicks with Chainsaws"

The Gist: An innocent bystander gets stuck in a civil war between the last remaining female vampires in existence over his blood.

Clarification: So despite the title this is not your USA Up All Night throwback film filled with scantily clad slutty women doing bimbo like things to unsuspecting guys.  In fact the film takes itself very seriously as an action film.  So much so that the vampire aspect is barely needed.  Basically it's told from the perspective of the character Quinn (the innocent bystander) as if it's a flashback of some sort though by the end it just comes off as regular narration.  He's attacked by a women who injects him with something.  It ends up being some type of cure for vampirism that is also lethal to some vampires and makes him a target for a brood of female vampires as well as a group of vampire hunters. It then turns out that the woman who attacked him was the sister of a member of that brood who then joins him and the rest of the movie is her helping him to escape the large group hunting him.

Selling Point: Every Female in the film is a vampire

Female Vampire Factor:  As mentioned the vampire factor is there but it's not really a vampire movie as much as it is a survival action film.  In this movies universe there are no male vampires and female vampires are practically immortal as only the males have the issues seen in vampire folklore (stake through the heart, sunlight, garlic etc) but also only males can create more vampires.

As far as the vampires themselves the main protagonist vampire "Karel" (Jenna Lisonbee) is basically nothing more than a carbon copy of Selene from Underworld (this film has a lot of similarities to that film just with chainsaws and in the daytime as a matter of fact) and does nothing vampiric.

If it weren't for the chainsaw gimmick which lets be honest isn't needed and really makes no sense as why would a creature that is immortal A. need a weapon and B. use one that is going to waste the one thing that it requires to live, the three antagonist vampires...

 would be the reason to watch.  Even so they do flash fangs a few times here in there but very little biting as like I said they're in more action scenes than anything else.   In fact, the above screen caps are the best fang flashes of the three characters and the movie is about an hour and twenty two minutes long.  For that it gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Brides of Sodom"

The Gist:  In a post apocalyptic world with no sunlight that is ruled by vampires.  A human being held captive by a group of vampires as a sex slave and a vampire fall for one another and members of the vampires brood try to break them up for different reasons.

Clarification: It does have "Brides" in the title right?  You all see that as well and it's not just a figment of my imagination?  This is basically a super softcore gay porn.  No "man parts" are seen in the film but you're basically getting a bunch of scenes of guys kissing and humping and most of the vampire characters are topless guys in speedos.

Selling Point/Female Vampire Factor:  There is a group of female vampires who feed as a group in the films first 10 minutes to tease you.  Of course being it's a tease they are never seen again after that.

 Outside of that, one of the main antagonists of the film is a female vampire named Persephone who is played by fitness model and health guru Rachel Zeskind.

 Persephone is the sister of the vampire Eros who is the vamp who falls in love with the human.  This would be OK if it wasn't for the whole "She's been having a taboo relationship with him and wants him for herself" thing the move has going in the storyline.

Also the above two piece number is pretty much the only thing she wears in the film so you do get some incentive to keep watching.

Honestly this movie is pretty twisted if you really pay attention to the story.  The jacked up thing is it's actually pretty damn entertaining if you skip past all the guy humping. In fact it's very True Blood like (which in itself had it's own share of guy humping with hot women sprinkled in).  The ending is pretty disappointing but none the less the character Persephone is definitely what Elektra Blue's character Ariel in the Showtime softcore film Sex with a Vampire should have been.  I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.

Cum-Vampires Videos 2

Cum Vampires Videos 1

League of Extrordinary Gentleman to be rebooted

The film League of Extrordinary Gentleman will be getting a modern reboot 20th Century Fox has confirmed.  The only real details that have come out about the film is that it will be "female centric" which would be a major switch from the original where the only female character was vampire Mina Murray played by Pita Wilson (above).  As soon as there is an announcement regarding whether Mina returns I will update. 

Vampiress Review: "Slaughter of the Vampires"

The Gist: A couple moves into a castle haunted by a vampire who takes an interest in the females of the home.

Clarification:  Also known as "Curse of the Blood Gouls" basically this is just a run of the mill Dracula story.  In fact the vampire in the film pretty much is a Dracula knock off when it comes to his look (Tuxedo with Cape).  As for the film itself the lines in the English dub are pretty cheesy sounding but the story is straight to the point.

Selling Point: All the women in the film are hot and the female vamps tend to have what sounds like orgasms when confronted with death (in other words bad acting that pays off).

Female Vampire Factor: So basically every main female character in the film turns.  If you're into fang flashing then you won't even realize how cheesy the film comes off because you get a ton of fang flashing and biting from attractive brunettes in this film.  In fact the first 5 minutes has a female vampire (Carla Foscari).  Sadly she doesn't make it to the beginning credits.

Never fear though (SPOILER ALERT) the vampire gets his hands on his intended target (Louise played by Graziella Granada) and she gets plenty of screen time as a vampire before her eventual demise.

 He also gets his hands on Louise's servant Corrine (Gena Gimmy) who for some reason takes way less time to turn than Louise did and seemingly didn't even have to die first not that I'm complaining.

Bad acting be damned this film is a female fang lovers dream and gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.

Vampiress Review: "Let Me In"

The Gist: A young boy who's an outcast at school befriends what he believes to be a poor young girl but is in actuality a decades old vampire stuck in the age she was turned.

Clarification: So you got Owen the kid who gets picked on a lot in school and he meets a dirty homeless looking girl named Abby at the playground of his apartment complex.  They bond over being outcasts and become very close.  Eventually Owen starts to fall for Abby and Abby becomes a bit of a protector for Owen as she trusts him enough to let him know her secret.  This then leads to a big reveal toward the films end about the identity of Abby's "father" in the film and what the future holds for Owens relationship with her.

Selling Point: It is a very compelling story though I wouldn't call it much of a horror film. She is a monster but the movie makes you feel sorry for her more than fear her much like the character Owen does (at least until the end).

Female Vampire Factor:  Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  Chloe Grace Moritz as a dirty orphan girl  (or Lina Leandersson if you watch the original Swedish movie this was based off of "Let the Right One In") is more a tragic character in this case which is the total opposite of the hot teenage vampires that are pretty much a regular thing on TV now.

Fact is in this film she's either an un assuming little girl or a really gross looking monster much like her role in Dark Shadows.  She's become a staple of horror films so there's still a chance that eventually we'll get a more grown up version of vampire Chloe one day.

The Sexy Female Vampires of the Lost Boys Trilogy

The Lost Boys was one of the most memorable horror films of the 80's let alone what is considered by many a top five vampire film.  It can be described as very similar to a "Twilight" film of the day considering the cast pretty much consisted of every popular young male actor of the time for the purpose of selling the film to young women.  It just so happens that the film is macho enough that it's enjoyable to both sexes since in the 80's horror films had to be violent and scary IE if it didn't get a "R" rating, it wasn't really a horror film.   The premise of the original film is a family moves to a California town from Arizona and the young boys of the family have a run in with some delinquents of the town.  The delinquents of course end up being a gang of vampires and the boys end up in a supernatural fight for their lives as the older one(Micheal) is being converted to a vampire in order to join the group while the younger (Sam) is attempting to prevent it.  Why would someone want to become a vampire and hang out with a bunch of guys for all eternity you might ask?  Simple...He was trying to get some.  You see the head of the delinquent crew had a hot girlfriend named Star (Jami Gertz).

Star is pretty much bait to bring guys into the fold.  Here's the drawback though.  Star is only a half vampire (she has to drink human blood to fully convert which she refuses to do) and she NEVER fangs out during the film.  Had it happened she'd probably be one of the hottest vampires of all time but she'll forever go down as one of those "if only" situations as by the films end she's fully human again.

So now we fast forward almost two decades later to 2008 and after years of failed scripts we get a straight to DVD sequel to the film called Lost Boys: The Tribe.  What makes this film different from the first you ask?  Very Little.  Basically it is just the same events that happened in the first film happening again two decades later to a different family.  This time the one being recruited into the vampire fold is a young girl named Nicole (Autumn Reeser)

She much like Micheal from the original film is recruited in a similar manner and much like Micheal has some issues holding herself back during her transformation where she has a handful of close calls where her brother Chris prevents her from snacking on some random guys she seduces which would have transformed her into a full vampire had she succeeded.

Nicole isn't the only female vampire of this film.  This films version of Star comes in the form of a bikini clad babe named Lisa (Moneca Delain who also fangs out in the films Blood Angels as a half vampire and Trick r' Treat as a werewolf).

    Unlike Star she's not very wholesome.  She is a vampire in all sense of the word, only exists in the film for some quick T & A (which is pretty much her role in everything she's in) and meets her demise just as quickly as she's introduced which is the only time you see her fangs.

 

Finally two years later we get the final installment of the series 2010's Lost Boys: The Thirst.  In this film Edgar Frog (Corey Feldman who is the only person to appear in all 3 films) is hired by a woman to save her brother from a vampire DJ who is planning on turning people via using vampire blood as social drugs during raves.  Eventually we find out that wasn't the case at all and that he was being used just to get another vampire out of the way by a vampire but this film was basically no more than a nostalgia film.

At the end of the second movie it was teased that the story was going to be much different with more of a civil war between characters from the first film premise....

  but with the 2010 death of Corey Haim the film got a completely new story which comes off as a reunion of the original casts surviving vampire hunting characters going on one last adventure complete with mid movie tribute to the characters played by actors who had passed away (who's characters were all explained to have passed away as well complete with graves).  Anyway this, much like the first film had a female character that teases the audience as a potential vampire turn (Gwen played by Tanit Phoenix) but it never happens.  Only one female vampire gets any real screen time and her character is more or less just a vampire henchman and that's "Lily" Played by Tanya Van Graan.

 

As it goes you watch the first movie for the scare factor, the second film for the female vampire T&A and the third film for closure.  Since they can easily be purchased together it's well worth it.

Vampire Model: Miss Untamed

Miss Untamed is a jack of all trades,  she's a fitness model, dominatrix, and even a professional fetish wrestler.  Below are a few stills from vampire videos she's done.