vampiress review: "All Cheerleaders Die"

The Gist: After dying in an accident that stemmed from an argument with a group of jocks that led to a high speed car chase, a group of cheerleaders are brought back to life through black magic but are now linked to each other and must survive off of human blood.

Clarification:  A remake of a 2001 movie this film has no clue what it wants to be.  Then again maybe it does.  If you take the films "The Craft", "Mean Girls" and "Jennifers Body" and put them together this is pretty much what you get.   It might have a decent scare factor if it weren't for the fact that the film doesn't actually have a protagonist at all.  Basically a group of macho jerks act like jerks to annoying slutty, snobby cheerleaders who then die and become blood sucking, annoying, slutty snobby cheerleaders.  Let's be honest here if everyone in this film died for good that school would be a whole lot more tolerable to go to for a lot of people.

The film is divided into 3 sections basically.  You've got your beginning which is your run of the mill coming of age teen drama filled with people in cliques walking in slow motion down hallways.

Then you get to the middle which is more or less a supernatural comedy filled with sex and teen girls in Underwear.

And then the films finale which is where the horror portion comes in.

  The comedy portion of the film feels extremely out of place as pretty much anything that would be scary ends up having some joke factor involved IE a scene where one of the girls is in the middle of threatening to kill someone but goes down in what you think is terribly acted pain like she's about to vamp out just to find out one of the other girls was having sex which lead to the rest having orgasms where they stood since they're linked to one another.  Also two of the girls are sisters whose souls were switched during their reanimation which leads to awkward horror comedy scenes where the younger sister starts living out her older sisters life (including sleeping with her boyfriend) resulting in the older sister going homicidal at people that have no clue they've done anything wrong.

Selling Point:  No nudity but tons of National Lampoon level T & A and lesbianism.

Female Vampire Factor:  So this film isn't advertized as a vampire film but it is in fact a vampire film and with the exception of the witch who revives them, all the female main characters are vampires (below).

From Left to Right: Amanda Grace Cooper, Brook Butler, Reanin Johannink and Caitlin Stasey

By the way what high school on Earth are the above cheerleader uniforms standard? also for the record the one on the far left is the schools mascot because as we all know, really attractive women are normally what's under those furry costumes.

Anyway here's the disappointing factor for some of you. While they do drink blood, have superhuman strength and are in fact the living dead (there's a scene where Reanin Johanninks character takes her boyfriend (or in this situation her sisters boyfriend as her and her sister switched bodies) virginity and he goes around bragging about it but at the same time being confused because no one told him vagina's were cold),  unlike your standard movie vamps they function just fine in the sunlight and they don't have fangs. Ironically enough these girls are more vampiric than most of the movies I review where they do have fangs but never actually use them.  Especially the character Tracy played by Brooke Butler (the blonde) who pretty much kills anyone she's alone with.

 The rest you never really see feeding outside of a group feeding scene just after they are revived.  The one exception being the witch letting the girl she has a thing for feed off of her hand.

Despite that I actually found the film to be very entertaining.  (spoiler alert) it does have an open ending so either there will be a sequel or this ends up like "Vampire Academy" and you just have to live with the anti-climatic ending you're dealt.  I give the film a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 of out 5.  As long as you can get passed the lack of fangs and know what you're getting.  It's a pretty decent vampire comedy like film.       

Vampiress Model: Angela Summers

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Vampiress Review: "Forever 16"

The Gist:  A 91 year old vampire who was turned at the age of 16 is recruited by authorities to go undercover at a high school to solve the case of the suspicious death of two teenagers.

Clarification:  If you love movie cliche's you will absolutely love this film.  Originally created as a pilot for a television show about a vampire teen detective it aired as a stand alone film on the Lifetime network and has been on constant rotation on the Lifetime movie network since 2013.

Best described as "Forever Knight" for teenagers it's pretty cheesy even by that shows standards and nowhere near as dark.  Obviously if she's going undercover as a school girl (literally with plaid skirt and all) the whole "vampires can't be out in the daytime" rule is completely thrown out the window in this film. The unoriginality doesn't stop with the Forever Knight detective premise. The school she attends in this film looks straight out of Twilight and like Twilight this film also includes a vampire falling in love with a student sub-plot. On top of that all her main powers are swiped from the NBC TV show "Ed" down to being able to get information from people just by touching them.   You also get a random subplot about the woman who recruited the vampires family being murdered but as stated before this was to be a regular TV series so there is a good chance had it been picked up that would have been addressed further along with many of the various plot holes left over after the films end.

Selling Point:  If you miss Forever Knight but wish Nick was a Teenage girl you'll love this.

Female Vampire Factor:  The vamp in this film whose name is Raven and is also followed by a raven wherever she goes (for reasons never explained) is played by Canadian Actress Tiera Skovbye.

 The film falls more into the action cop drama category than anything in horror.  There's pretty much only one scene in the film where she goes to bite someone and that is in the films start where they go into the cliche "damsel in distress turns out to be a monster who can easily defend herself" scene.

As seen above when she does fang out no matter where the situation is (indoor, outdoor) a strong gust of wind complete with lighting effect shows up.  She mostly fangs out when she's angry which is during fighting scenes more often than not.  As far as feeding goes she drinks out of blood bags.  While the films stereotypically angry male police captain brings up the "what if she looses control" factor and the film poorly hints that she could, it doesn't even come close to happening with the exception of one scene where she kisses her future love interest and (you've already probably figured it out) accidentally bites his lip leading him to bleed and her to storm off afraid of possibly hurting him.  This means fang flashes are there but very few and far between.

 This is one of those films that tries to be too much but is above average by Lifetime movie standards.  As a stand alone movie it isn't that satisfying as there are a ton of plot holes that would have been addressed with a regular series and Raven's struggle as a vampire probably would result in some very good flashback scenes down the line of her loosing control since it's mentioned several times that a woman named "Gran" took care of her and taught her how to live normally and provided blood for her when she was turned meaning she had no control at first. Sadly (or not) it never got picked up and this is pretty much all we get.  I give it a Vampire Beauty rating of 3 out of 5.
 

 

Vampiress Model: Mindi Mink

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Vampiress Review: "Transylvania Twist"

The Gist: An aspiring singer(Teri Copley) finds out her father has passed away and goes to Transylvania along with a vampire hunter and the nephew of a librarian for the funeral and will reading.

Clarification:  So this is a horror film parody.  Marissa (the aspiring singer) gets to Transylvania just to find out her uncle is a Dracula like vampire as is her "cousins" and their goal is to inherit the castle and specifically take possession of an evil book hidden in it but Marissa being the closest living relative is in their way.  Also in their way is the fact that the executor of the will is Victor Von Helsing - a vampire hunter. 
Basically the film is full of 80's horror movie references though the vampire portions are pretty much lifted from Hammer Horror's Dracula franchise.  Though a full on vampire film it does find a way to fit in parodies of nearly every horror movie monster of the 1980's like Freddie Krueger, Jason Vorhees, Leatherface and Pin Head.
The comedy in the film is pretty much based on breaking the 3rd wall with most jokes involving the characters recognizing the various horror movie cliches like the eerie music in various scenes, convenient thunder and lighting and jump scare tactics. Also Marissa's boyfriend Dexter (Steve Altman) breaks out into song partway through the film which is about breaking out into song.  The humor is funny for it's time but is very dated to audiences not familier with horror movies pre 1990 won't get it.

Selling Point: See Female Vampire Factor

Female Vampire Factor:  Since the film is a parody of Hammer Horrors Dracula films you get a few female vamps in the film.  Most of which are played by recognizable (by 1980's standards) scream queens.  One scene sees Von Helsing on a date with scream Queen and former Vampirella model Brinke Stevens

 Also you have the Brides of Dracula but in this case they're portrayed as Lord Orlocks daughters Pattie (Monique Gabrielle), Laverne (Vinette Cecelia) and Maxine (Toni Naples)

While two of them are barely scene Pattie (or Patricia as she prefers) is one of the main antagonists of the film thus gets lots of screen time as her goal is to sink her fangs into Von Helsing.  That's a major positive considering Gabrielle was a former Penthouse pet and super hot.

So basically every good vampire scene in the movie involves Gabrielle and she does eventually get her man.

In the end you have a very dated but still somewhat funny vampire parody that gives you quite a few things to look forward to.   I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5. 

Vampiress XXX Review: "The Vampire Mistress"

The Gist:  A reporter is sent to cover a story about a vampire society and ends up becoming their newest victim/recruit.

Clarification: If the premise sounds familiar it's because it's basically just a lesbian porn version of the 2007 film Rise: Blood Hunter which starred Lucy Liu.  Dani Daniels plays the part that Lucy Liu had as the reporter turned vampire who has set her sites out on seeking revenge on those responsible for turning her.  Also like Liu in Rise, Daniels never actually shows fangs either. 

Selling Point: All porn scenes in the film are girl on girl.

Female Vampire Factor: So as mentioned this is a story based lesbian vampire porn. I should mention, a poorly acted cheap looking story based vampire porn very reminiscent of mid to late 90's Seduction Cinema films

The only ones in the film that show fangs are the members of the Vampire Society which consists of The mistress (Lily Labeau),

her second in command (Faith Lee Sentz)

 and two random vamps who only show up in group sex scenes.

With the exception of the one scene with Sentz "fighting" Daniels which the screen cap above is taken from none of the vamps actually flash their fangs so you have to really be looking for them to even notice they're there as even in the neck biting scenes if it weren't for the screaming and the blood on the vampires mouths afterword you really couldn't tell that anything is happening other than sex.

One thing that is a huge disappointment is Daniels herself never fanging out.  The film is open ended so there's a chance for a sequal but after Daniels turns mid movie she has zero sex scenes and does little more than talk when she's on screen.  Thankfully she does have fangs in some of the promotional material put out for the film.

This is a very middle of the road lesbian vampire porn since it is storyline based which doesn't happen that often as most lesbian vamp films are 100% T&A and only exist for the sex.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 3 out of 5.  It would get higher but the least attractive vampire gets the most screen time and the most attractive doesn't do anything vampiric.  For a better experience check out the JAV film Lesbian Vampires.