Vampiress Review: "Vampire Diary"

The Gist:  A woman doing a documentary on the weekend vampire lifestyle in UK goth clubs ends up falling for a woman who ends up being a real vampire.

Clarification:  If you're a horror fan you might want to steer clear of this film.  If you're into the Lifetime network "women struggling to survive in the real world" type drama's then this is definitely for you.

The first thing you will notice about this film is that it is basically "Paranormal Activity" if it took place in England and you eliminate all the sleeping scenes and replace them with lesbian sexual tensions scenes.  If you've never seen Paranormal Activity the good folks at Screen Junkies put together a great "honest movie trailer" that sums up nicely every complaint I had on the movie which you can view HERE.

So if you watched that you now know that means the entire movie is from different camcorder points of view.  Both main character Holly and "Vicki the Vampire" are recording their entire life up to and including Vicki's murdering spree which honestly seems like a lot of work for no reason and just sloppy on the killers part.

Then just when you think the film is getting to a guy friendly level of lesbian sexuality you find out Vicki the vampire is pregnant after being raped by a male vampire (which is told to you and not shown) and her and Holly start having relationship troubles which take up the majority of the final half hour of the film (see, like I said total Lifetime movie of the week stuff).

If you're the logic police then this movie is definitely not for you.   Keep in mind it's not the fact that her girlfriend is a psychopathic serial killer that bothers Holly, it's that she won't confide in her more while she's murdering people.  Honestly if you say the premise out loud it really just sounds like you're watching a Jerry Springer episode: "I'm in love with a homicidal lesbian who got impregnated by another man". 

Oh yeah and there is that one scene where Vickie shoots a guy before sucking his blood then along with Holly (who once again is recording all of this) ties him up and before they can throw his body in the river he wakes up.  Their first reaction is we probably need to shoot him (Which again, Vicki already did once).  So I'll give my fingers a rest and let Bane explain what's wrong with that.


Selling Point:  uhhhh??...it's got the dad from "Young Dracula" in it.   That's cool I guess.

Famale Vampire Factor: Vicki the Vampire is your only true Vampire in the film but the only female with fangs in the film is the vamp wannabe "Haze" (Kate Sissons).

Kate Sissons as "Haze"

So why is it the fake vampire has fangs but the real one doesn't?

Anna Walton as "Vicki"

Well this is actually well explained in the film.  You see Vicki did once have fangs but they were removed when she was younger by her caretakers in an effort to make her look more human (she was a vampire orphan).  It is also explained that the media has the vampire look wrong and that vampires actually have 4 fangs and not 2.  (This means that the vampires from Tales From the Crypt presents Bordello of Blood are an accurate representation of the look of a real vampire by this films logic). Eventually young Vicki is left to fend for herself as she starts attacking the other children at the orphanage which leads her to the nomadic life she has at the time of the film. 

The film is watchable and does lead to intrigue as to what will happen to Holly and Vicki who become a serial killing british lesbian goth version of "Thelma and Louise" but as a vampire movie this gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 1 out of 5.  If you want a similar story but more vampiric check out the Canadian horror/comedy "Bitten".