Vampiress Review: Abe's Tomb

The Gist: A small town sheriff tells the story of how his town was over run by vampires.

Clarification:  Ok first let me say I laughed as I typed "The gist".  Second I have a pretty sick sense of humor so let me explain how this works.  This blog has been used for the over 3 years I've been doing it to review every vampire movie, TV show etc I can get my hands on which sometimes means watching complete crap for the sake of coming on here and telling you, the reader, that it is complete crap or best case scenario that it's complete crap but there's a hot vampire doing something sexy with examples so you can decide if it's something you want to see in spite of being complete crap(which has resulted in me getting on a few movie producers "don't send a Christmas card" list BTW while others have actually gone as far as quoting me in ads and helping sponsor this site after I reviewed their work hence the ads on the side).  In that time I've developed a bit of a system where there's two kinds of awful movies.  Those types are...

Painfully Awful: A movie so terrible that watching it actually hurts.  These films are usually watched over the course of a week as to not drive me to a Joker level of insanity. Best example of that would be "Shower of Blood".

Hilariously Awful: A movie so terrible that if the producer of the film actual understood how terrible the film was and decided to promote it as a film parody they'd be considered a genius (If you've ever seen Tommy Wisaeu's "The Room" it's that kind of terrible).

This film is the latter example.  I LOVED THIS MOVIE.  Not because it was good because it really wasn't.  As a matter of fact it was beyond awful but so much so that it reminded me of those Mad TV sketches where they hilariously mocked cheap looking blacksploitation films or late night bikini chick TV shows.

Selling Point: This film had literally everything great about a good comedy parody but the thing was they did it with the intent of this being a legit ACTION/HORROR FILM.  This includes but is not limited to

- An extended scene of cops discussing why they're wearing jeans with their uniforms

You guys didn't own any black dress pants to wear for this film either eh?

- Scenes of people having conversations that we could probably hear for ourselves if they didn't have some guy narrating over them talking TELLING US WHAT THEY'RE SAYING!

In this scene Santa is concerned while Mrs Clause is angry with him.

- Non existent film framing letting us know they might not really be where they say they are.

When we're done killing vampires everyone come back to the "police station" for ICE CREAM!

"Sir, don't you think we'd be more efficient if 911 calls weren't being forwarded to my CELL PHONE!"

- Hot lady I'm pretty sure just walked by the park the movie was being shot in and in order to get her phone number they gave her a part in the movie where she basically mimed doing stuff which had absolutely no connection to the story whatsoever which I guess is ok because she completely disappears from the film after her scene.

She was a cop, she was blond and she probably died I guess...yeah we'll say her character died, that works.

- Not as hot but still kinda cute lady who probably did the same thing who's character seemed to know she was important to the plot of the film though the watching audience had never seen her before who tragically died during her first scene which would be a surprise and really sad had we known who she was.

Dedicated to the memory of "Brown haired girl with stick" you left us too soon

- Perve logic

I just got in a fight with a vampire and there's hundreds more. Let me find the nearest creek to randomly pose in my undewear. 

- And horribly random editing including fighting scenes LOOPING to make them longer as well as objects being spliced in the scenes (I guess to prove it is what they say it is.) 

Ha vampire you thought this was contact solution but it's really HOLY WATER...SEE, IT SAYS RIGHT HERE!

Female Vampire Factor:  I don't even know why you've made it this far.  That should have sold you the movie right there but if you're still looking for chicks with fangs then yes, they're here in abundance, chicks with fangs,  $13 scarecrow subtle glow fangs.

Oh and you can tell the "important to the plot" vampires from the "peon" vampires because the peon ones wear really bad makeup

and the "important ones" (IE will get their face on camera) don't

 As far as the main characters go producer Carl Merritt pretty much gives you all their good fangy scenes for free on Youtube.

This clip set includes the head vampire not so ironically named "Vampra" (Amanda Fire) and her minions

 This clip set includes (SPOILER ALERT) officer "Layla" (Manda Webster) with her regulation EMT half shirt, underwear and knee high boots that she wears on duty.

The only one they don't give away is SPOILER ALERT officer Marcia Lewis (Sherri Foxx) who also gets turned.

 It gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5 with only the cruddy film quality keeping it from a solid 5.  If you get the DVD you also get some decent pictures of Nikki Irene (who plays a random vampire in the film but her one scene gets a lot of screen time) with fangs posing as well so there's a bonus.  If I haven't sold you on this film either you don't have a sense of humor like mine or you like really good movies.

Vampiress Review: Strange Things Happen at Sundown

The Gist: A vampire couple is on the run after steeling a large sum of money from a vampire mobster.  All the while a victim they didn't finish who has turned is also hunting them.

Clarification:  I did a damn good job of summing up the movie because in all actuality its 2 hours and 15 minutes of screaming and yelling.  Yes you heard me right, this film is 2 hours PLUS long.  Do you know how obnoxious it is to literally have your television SCREAM at you for that long?  The plots (there are three separate ones which eventually intersect toward the end) seem to forget themselves quite a bit and the movie can't really decide whether it wants to be dramatic horror or dark comedy.  Basically, you have to have a thick skin and a lot of patience to sit through this one.

Selling Point: There are a hand full of scenes in which the mobsters did get a laugh or two out of me.

Female Vampire Factor: Non existant.  Well, two of the main characters are female vampires actually but they aren't very vampiric.  First you have the female of the vampire couple Amy (Jocasta Bryan)

her issue; She's a vampire who's fangs don't work and has sympathy toward people.  Then you have the victim turned vampire looking for her revenge (Masha Sapron).

 While you would think that she was the focal point of the movie considering she has a narrator type role similar to Marie from Innocent Blood in the films beginning. she is practically forgotten in the film after she's introduced. 

There are others but they're background characters and the lighting is so dark in scenes not held outside that they pretty much aren't worth mentioning.  Basically the Italian stereotype mobsters are the only thing in the movie worth watching and even that gets ruined be the constant screaming which should be in the background of the scenes but due to improper audio balance in their editing almost drowns out the dialogue.  This film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 2 out of 5.  It's got potential but doesn't come anywhere close to living up to it.

Vampiress Review: Night Fangs

The Gist: An art teacher and her homicidal lesbian lover decide to perform a ritual in hopes of becoming vampires but things don't exactly go according to plan.

Clarification:  Ok before I go any further let me say that this is one of those low budget late night horror films in the style of those that used to be abundant on weekend late night TV in the 70's and 80's so if you're too young to remember the rules to those films let me go ahead and give them to you now.
1.  Nothing anyone in these films does is logical AT ALL.
2.  They have the movie gore makeup kit and they're going to use it.
3.  Nothing anyone in these films does is logical still
4.  College kids do not have basic social skills
and last
5.  Nothing anyone in these films does is logical EVER.

Basically the point of these films is to get you to yell at the screen because while it's obvious to you that everyone should get out the house and never go into dark basements etc.  Rules 1, 3 and 5 are in full effect.

Now the premise is pretty simple.  Not so creepy lesbian (Leslie Frank) does whatever creepy lesbian (Cyn Dulay) says.  Creepy lesbian wants to be a vampire and goes on a murdering spree and only AFTER killing 3 people does "not creepy" lesbian start to think "this is a bad idea".  At this point it's too late as creepy lesbian now wants to kill not creepy lesbian to see if their plan works by drowning her in their really big bath tub.

Not creepy lesbian knocks out creepy lesbian and leaves the bathroom (as they bath in their victims blood Elizabeth Bathory style) but for whatever reason doesn't leave the house.  All the while creepy lesbian's blood ends up in the bloody water with the dead body of their last victim (Ruby Gonzalez) and since apparently they read their "evil rituals for dummys" book incorrectly turned that girl into a vampire instead of themselves who then attacks and turns creepy lesbian.

Not creepy lesbian then decides to check on the one who just tried to MURDER HER to see if she's ok just to end up seeing creepy lesbian with fangs and REALLY, REALLY, SLOWLY coming at her.  Non creepy lesbian must have enjoyed the whole "having a hot naked Spanish chick walking toward her" thing because the whole fangs and not having eyeballs anymore look didn't scare her away to the point that she also gets bitten and turned as well.

Now while all this is happening the original girl turned has a bunch of really obnoxious and homophobic friends who eventually figure out the lesbians plans to kill her and instead of going to the police they decide to head to the lesbians house Scooby Doo style (this gets referenced slightly) with no weapons or plan whatsoever.  Since this is a horror movie you can pretty much figure that doesn't go well.

Selling Point:  All the guys in the film pretty much leave all the females to get systematically turned.  Then try to go back after the fact to "rescue" them a few DAYS later.  That's hilarious to me. 

Female Vampire Factor:  I pretty much gave you the entire movie.  Women turn other women who then turn other women.  Not much else to it.   The thing I really enjoyed about this film is that the vampires completely lose their humanity once they're vampires.  They function a lot like a pack of wolves actually and are not above eating each other if there's nothing else to eat.   They have no ability to speak but sadly they're more logical than the humans in the film even though they're basically fanged blood drinking zombies.  I give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 4 out of 5.  If you're a chicks with fangs fan pretty much skip to the middle of the movie.  Otherwise this is a great movie to watch with friends and laugh at.

Vampiress Review: Revamped

The Gist: A guy gets himself turned into a vampire after finding out his wife was cheating on him and ends up in the middle of a supernatural war.

Clarification: Lets just get this out of the way, this movie is VERY cheesy (I'm talking "female vampire clown for no reason" cheesy). At first glance you would think it's a comedy (and prior to the opening credits it pretty much is).  The main character Richard after getting his credit card statement in the mail notices charges for several stays at a swanky hotel.  Upon calling the hotel he finds out that his wife had been staying there several times with another man pretending to be him.  He is so depressed by it he tries to kill himself but fails miserably at it.  After seeing a commercial on television for a service that turns people into vampires he calls to schedule being turned.  After a few super cheesy dream sequences about guys sucking his blood he changes his mind.  That is until Lillith arives at his door in sexy lingerie as his new vampire maker.

After his plan blows up in smoke by him almost getting cremated with his widow not having enough money to pay for the funeral the comedy portion of the movie stops and it pretty much becomes an action film about vampires trying to curse the world into eternal darkness while a group of hunters, the local police and a group of half breed vampires try to stop them.

Selling Point:  Lots of hot vampire women fanging out in between cheesy dialogue in this one.

Female Vampire Factor: As you can see above there is an abundance of it.  It's pretty much a far gone conclusion that the whole purpose of the casting of this film is for the T&A despite the total lack of nudity (though lets be honest, all you have to do is turn on Cinemax any weekend after midnight to see Tane McClure naked).  

Outside the random vamp T&A you do have two female vamp main characters....

Tane McClure (Lillith)

The sexy vamp milf sent to Richard in order to turn him to start the ball rolling on the entire film.  Immediately upon meeting him she seems to have an emotional connection with him (not really, you actually kind of get that Stripper to lonely guy at strip club connection vibe when it comes to her feelings for him but I think that just comes from the less than stellar acting job.  She actually is supposed to be in love with him).  Richard is so infatuated with his sexy brunette maker that he searches all of Los Angeles for her getting himself deeper and deeper in mess as she's associated with some pretty bad people.  

Christa Campbell (Lexa)

Lexa is Lillith's evil sister, you can tell their sisters due to their matching hair color and same taste in clothing which includes only wearing skin tight short black dresses.   Lillith is very protective of Lexa despite their total difference of opinion as to what it means to be a vampire.  Unfortunately for Lillith, Lexa doesn't feel the same way and has no problem selling out her sister for the sake of ruling the world. 

Just to reiterate, this movie is VERY CHEESY.  The story itself goes about a million different directions and many of the characters have back story's.  Some get explained while others it almost seems we should have already known about but it's OK since the characters will stop at extremely inopportune times to give a bit of a half assed explanation of their back-stories and why their inclusion in the movie is meant to be important (you know instead of actually writing it into the film).  If this blog was about the entertainment value I'd have no problem tearing it apart but still say it's not the worst movie I've ever seen and recommend it to anyone who has a high tolerance for low budget films.  Since this blog isn't about that and about the fanged T&A then I have to go ahead and give it a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  The only downside in the vampire beauty factor was Alanna Curry's character "Mary" never fanging out (basically she's this movies version of "Star" from "The Lost Boys") but at least she does for the promotion of the film.

Vampiress Review: Daybreakers

The Gist: In a world run by vampires a scientist tries to solve a growing hunger crises as the number of humans dwindles rapidly.

Clarification:  Basically a plague has turned most humans into vampires (in the traditional sense IE bursts into flames at sunlight, fangs, sucks blood to live etc).  Unfortunately in vampire form the world population isn't very smart as everyone pretty much turns each other and the ones who aren't turned are just harvested till there is barely anything left.  What makes matters worse is they're now learning that once a vampire is blood deprived for a certain period of time they revert to a mutant bat like primal state.  Meanwhile a vampire scientist who despises drinking human blood and whose job is to work on a viable blood substitute (think True Blood) runs into a group of humans on the run and when he goes out of his way to save them they in turn recruit him to help create a cure for the vampire plague which has taken over the world that would turn everyone human again.

Selling Point: While it's not that scary of a horror movie it does fall into that genre and the idea of monsters fearing other monsters is pretty original.

Female Vampire Factor: Well since the entire world is vampires that pretty much means every female in the film excluding the main female characters.  Only a couple get any extensive screen time such as the young girl who commits suicide in the beginning of the film because shes tired of being a child but is stuck that way due to her vampirism (below).

Also there is a coffee shop waitress who gets repeated screen time since as the film progresses they include less and less blood in the drinks she serves and she has to deal with the angry customers played by Renai Caruso.

(SPOILER ALERT) As far as the main human characters go unfortunately only one gets the fang treatment and it's very short lived.  Isabel Lucas (aka sexy robot chick from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen) plays Allie Bromley.  Allie is the estranged daughter of Senator Bromley who is at the head of the whole "hunt humans for food" movement which is a bit of an issue with his daughter being...you know...human.  When the group she's with eventually gets captured Senator Bromley sends a soldier into her cell to turn her.

Isabel Lucas as Allie Bromley

She is so disgusted about being a vampire that she feeds on herself till she mutates resulting in her eventually having to be put down via bring driven into sunlight. 

So yeah, plenty of female vampires to go along in the film but can't conceivably give it any higher a Vampire Beauty Rating than 3 out of 5.  The film totally misses out on the opportunity to play on the blood thirst that the vamps SHOULD be dealing with by only showing those vampires after they've already mutated.

Celebrity Halloween Costume Contest 2013 edition

Ariana Grande (Singer)

 

Jasmin Walia and Abi Clarke (Actress)

Kim Kardashian (actress/singer)

Previous edition 2012