Vampiress Music Video: Haddaways "What is Love"

Even though this song will forever be remembered for the "Roxbury guys" sketches on Saturday Night Live, the music video will always remembered (for the few who remember it) for the half naked female vampire/dancer who romps around during it chasing Haddaway.

Would you run from her?

The premise of the video is that Haddaway goes to this womans really scary mansion/castle with flowers as he is trying to win her over.  Unfortunately he doesn't realize that she along with the other girls in the house are vampires and they go after him.  Eventually she catches him, bites him and he turns into a vampire as well.   There are no fangs so you kind of have to read between the lines with this one by the way they're dressed (or in the main vamps case, not dressed other than the cloak).

The Vampiress Episode: Kolchak The Night Stalker

"The Vampire"

Season 1

Episode 4

Based on the film "The Night Stalker", Kolchak aired during the 1974/75 season on the ABC Network in the United States.  In it, Newspaper writer Carl Kolchak investigates and reports on paranormal mysteries.  

In this episode which directly relates to the "Night Stalker" movie, Kolchak goes to Los Angeles to investigate reports of crimes in which the victims have been drained of blood.  When he gets there he finds out that the victims have all been in contact with a call girl named Catherine Rawlins who had gone missing but recently turned up.  Of course putting two and two together Rawlins was a vampire on the prowl. 

Vampiress Cast

Catherine Rawlins

Played by Suzanne Charney, Rawlings was a victim of the vampire attacks of the original "Night Stalker" movie.  As this episode begins, we see her rising from the grave.  From there she immediately begins making contact with her clients as if nothing has happened.  She does not speak at all in this episode as most of her scenes are third person flashbacks narrated by Kolchak. With her long black hair, she has the look of a stereotypical vampiress but the thing that sets her apart from other vampiresses is the sound she makes when she fangs out.  I like to call it the "angry duck noise".  While it's not as hot as the classic "hiss" you can't deny she looks damn good doing it.     

Sexy Female Vamps of "The Hunger: The Series"

The Hunger was a television series that aired from 1997 to 2000 internationally including on "Showtime" in the United States.   Though it shares a title with the 1983 hit vampire film, the series was a collection of short horror stories much like "Tales From the Darkside" and "Tales From the Crypt".  The main difference between those shows and this was the "after dark" audience the show was aimed at as each story had a softcore porn quality to it. 

Even though it shares a name with a vampire film, it wasn't overrun with them but occasionally they did show up (unfortunately all killing in manners other than fangs to the neck).  Here is the run down.

Carmilla

 Isabelle Cyr playes Carmilla, the vampire mentor of a virgin named Neville who is a newly turned vampire in episode 13 of the first season titled  "A Matter of Style".  The poor guy is stuck over thinking the whole vampire thing as it includes being intimate with a female which he's never done.   Eventually she disguises herself as a human in order to give him his first time (in both sex and feeding) building his confidence and making him a better vampire. In this episode Vampires feed through a single elongated fingernail to the neck.

  

Nevila

Claudio Besso plays the female incarnation of Neville in the season 1 episode "A Matter of Style".  As one of Carmilla's idea's to help Neville get his first kill she helps him shape shift into an attractive woman to try to seduce guys.  Unfortunately this method also doesn't work as he comes on WAY too strong, thus scaring the victim he chooses away.

Claire

Claire (Sofia Shinas) was a vampire who was traveling the world looking for food in the season 1 finale "Footsteps" (episode 22).  Eventually she makes it to Paris where in the midst of her killing spree she meets up with a vegatarian named Luc.   That's when she finds out that he too is a vampire and teaches her that killing is not necessary to eat.  Vampires feed through a slash made by a claw type hand in this episode.

Princess Daragan Draculas

In the season 2 episode "Nunc Dimittis" (episode 5), Princess Dracula's servent is dying and before he dies he must find a replacement.  Played by Marina Orsini she spends most of the episode looking like an old hag but upon finding a new young assistant who must drink from her to stay alive after being stabbed she seems to age backward. 

Vampiress Review: Night Hunter

The Gist:  After his parents were killed by vampires in front of him as a kid, the last of a vampire hunting bloodline looks to end the species once and for all.

Clarification: When Jack Cutter (Don "The Dragon" Wilson) tracks down the vamps who killed his parents in a restaurant he thinks he's taken care of all of them.  Unfortunately he finds out there is another group who knows who he is and is out for revenge.  To makes matters worse, he's going to have to protect a reporter who is the target of the head vampires obsession as she looks exactly like his long lost love.

Selling Point: Female Vampire Tournier's slutty tendencies including bi-sexual behavior.

Female Vampire Factor: This movie gets a Vampire Beauty rating of 4 out of 5.  The total count is 2 and one gets tons of screen time.  The only thing that keeps it from being a 5 is that despite one of the female vampires being a main character in the film, her scenes are filler between Don Wilson fight scenes.

Vampiress Cast

Carmella

Played by super stunt woman Sophia Crawford, Carmella was one of the vampires who original killed the parents of young Jack Cutter.  Not so coincidentally she was the last of them to be killed when he tracks them down to the restaurant they were eating at together (as she put up the most fight). 

Tournier

Tournier (Maria Ford) as we eventually find out was Carmella's lover.  Upon finding out news of Carmellas death she demands revenge and not even the other vampires can calm her down.  She spends the rest of the movie attempting to kill Jack for "taking her woman away".  Outside of that she pretty much hits on everything that moves which would eventually be her downfall as she let her guard down when Jack pretended to be interested in her.  

Vampiress Review: Bitten

The Gist: A good Samaritan takes in an injured woman but nursing her back to health takes a lot more effort than he bargains for.

Clarification:  Jason Mewes plays an EMT who finds an injured woman in an ally that he assumes has been attacked by an animal.  As time passes she starts showing some strange tendencies that he immediately attributes to her being a vampire.  Like any red blooded male though, the fact that she's super hot and he just came out of a crappy relationship overshadows the whole "blood thirsty killer" issue and he attempts a relationship with her until the honeymoon period is over and the constant killing becomes too much for him. From that point figuring out how to break up with a vampire becomes the biggest challenge. 

Selling Point: Jason Mewes lack of acting range turns every character he plays into "Jay" of "Jay and Silent Bob" fame.  With that being said this movie could have been called "Jay from Jay and Silent Bob Screws a Vampire". If you liked anything else he's in, you'll LOVE this.  It's pretty damn funny.  

Female Vampire Factor: This film gets a Vampire Beauty rating of 5 out of 5.  Any fan of female vampires will totally relate to this movie.  I can't count how often I watched a situation in this film and thought "man that sucks but she's so hot I'd probably turn a blind eye to it to."  On top of that she was so loyal to the point that she was kind of needy which was a blessing at times (killing his ex girlfriend, drug dealer that hung outside his building and landlord bugging them for rent money) and curse (killing anyone else she came in contact with that wasn't him).  If there was ever a movie that made you question your own values this one does it perfectly.  Is the supermodel looking chick that you'd never land in a million years worth keeping if you're waking up with bloody corpses next to you every day?

Vampiress Cast

Danika

Played by Erica Cox, Danika is the poor victim that Jack (Jason Mewes) finds in the ally that faitfull night.  As you can see, she is quite the looker so you can see where there is such a conflict about keeping her or not.  Could you imagine having a girl like this be a loyal and dedicated girlfriend?  This movie pretty successfully answered the whole "What would it take to give up the perfect girl?" question. Then again, if I'm in the same situation as Jack I just make a rule that she can't bring her food home.  The fact that he's cleaning up dead bodies out of his apartment seemed to be the only real issue. As loyal as she was to him and how desperate she was to keep him, I doubt she'd have a problem with that rule.

Sherry

Sherry (Jordan Madley) is Jack's super bitch ex-girlfriend who cheated on him with her yoga instructor.  The only thing she seems to care about is the CD's she left in his apartment when he kicked her out and has no remorse for her actions.  One day she decides to use her spare key to get in and retrieve her stuff just to find Danika at the apartment wearing her clothes. Sherry being as bitchy as Jack describes starts threatening Danika (who already doesn't like her for hurting Jack) and Dani goes all vampiric on her.  Unfortunately Dani is new to the whole vampire thing and doesn't understand that anyone she bites also turns so Sherry during "cleanup" jumps up and tries to attack Dani and Jack (you don't really get a clear view as she's covered in plastic and is a fast paced scene).   The couple fight back and end up killing her again (which Jack enjoys) and that pretty much convinces Jack that Dani is the one for him. 

The Vampiress Episode: The Dresden Files

"Bad Blood"

Season 1

Episode 5

The Dresden Files was a television series that aired for 1 season on the Sci Fi channel in the United States in 2007 based on the Jim Butcher novels.  The show followed the exploits of a wizard named Harry Dresden who acted as a Chicago private investigator for the supernatural world (side note:  Sci Fi has pretty much recycled this plot for the show "Lost Girl" replacing a male wizard with a female succubus).

In this episode Dresden is hired by a vampire named Bianca to find out who tried to kill her.  The rest of the episode goes back and forth between flashbacks of how Harry (Dresden) and Bianca met and in present day the two trying to solve the case of who wants her dead.  

Vampiress Cast

Bianca

Played by Joanne Kellly, Bianca is the top vampire in the city of Chicago which makes her the perfect target for an assassination.  Her and Harry have a bit of a past going back to when she helped him get back on his feet during a dark time in his life.  There is tons of sexual chemistry between the two when they're around each other though he will probably never fully trust her. 

Natalie

 Played by Laura Vandervoort, Natalie is Bianca's right hand.  She goes everywhere Bianca goes.  She doesn't have much of a personality and unfortunately for Bianca has a bit of a vindictive streak.  Worst of all she doesn't fang out at all in the episode (to see her with some exaggerated fangs, find the series finale of the ABC network 2010 reboot of the show "V"). 

Vampiress Review: Vampiyaz

The Gist:  After a robbery gone wrong, one man goes to prison for 8 years just to be released and find out his partner who escaped is now a vampire.

Clarification:  This movie is so horrible it is actually entertainingly funny.  The "low budget independent movie" community is trying really hard to bring back the "blacksploitation" film and this is just another attempt at it.  To further elaborate on the story Kalil (the vampire) needs a magic ambulate to have unlimited power and uses the friend he let rot in jail (Jakeem) to do it. Hilarious (though I doubt on purpose) hijinks ensues after that.

Selling Point:  If there is any (at least for this blog) It would be the multiple vampiresses (the official count is 3...see below)

Female Vampire Factor:  This movie gets a vampire beauty rating of 3 out of 5.   They are prevalent in the film but not enough to change how mind numbingly dumb this film is.   The story has all kinds of potential but they just drop the ball in the presentation by just having the whole thing come off REALLY cheesy.  

Vampiress cast

Kareema Bay

Bay plays a female vampire who is being hunted by a priest but with her super sensitive vampire hearing, knows he's coming and ambushes him.  This scene has nothing to do with the rest of the movie other than to let you know that it's a vampire movie (because you wouldn't think that looking at the title I guess).

 

Krystal Hill

Hill plays "Vampiesha" (at least that's what the credits say).  She's the vamp that turns Kalil.  From there I guess she goes to work for him as she is one of the vamps who tries to stop Jakeem from escaping with the ambulate for Kalil.

Anju Mcyintire

Anju (aka A.J. Khan for you Cinemax after Dark/Seduction Cinema fans) plays "Vampyros" (again, that's what the credits say as NONE of the female vampires are actually referred to by name in this movie, nor do they speak). She is seen briefly in the scene where Jakeem steels the ambulate back from Kalil and she tries to stop him.

The Vampiress Episode: Son of the Beach

"Hamm Stroker's Suck My Blood"

Season 3

Episode 8

Son of the Beach was a television show that aired on the FX Network in the United States from 2000 to 2002.  Produced by Howard Stern and starring Timothy Stack as out of shape head life guard "Notch Johnson" the show was a parody of Baywatch, following the hijinks of the lifeguards at SPF 30 (that's "Shore Patrol Force").  Honestly it's nothing more than a reason to put hot women in bikini's as there is little to no depth as far as the stories and almost always a comment that leads to a cutaway to a lesbian fantasy scene (ala Family Guy).  In other words it was a shows that the average Joe would love.

In the episode "Hamm Stroker's Suck My Blood" a vampire comes to Malibu adjacent with the intent of turning everyone in there into her own personal vampire army (there is also a sub plot in this episode about one of the female lifeguards producing a play but that's not important to this blog).

Vampiress Cast

Nutragena

As I said in the show summary the show doesn't have much depth so yes, she is named after a beauty product.  Anyway, played by Musetta Vander, Nutragena is the vampire who is trying to turn the residents of Malibu Adjacent.  The true reason for her actions is she has to have 40 souls in order to live forever.

Porcelain Bidet

Such a beautiful woman to be named after a toilet, Porcelain was played by former WWE diva and Playboy Playmate Amy Weber.  She was the first member of SPF to be turned when she gets bitten by Israeli lifeguard Noccas Johnsteen (Gilbert Gottfried) who after being turned resembles a really cheesy Dracula and becomes Nutragena's right hand. 

Kimberlee Clark

 Played by Kimberly Oja, Kimberlee was the "modest" and conservative female of the SPF crew.  Normally seen in a one piece and playing the straight role to the rest of the females who were portrayed as dumb bimbo's in two piece bikini's. In this episode Kimberlee was a little down in the dumps as she felt her life was boring and wished she had more excitement.  She eventually gets the excitement she's looking for when Naccas brings the now vampiric Porcelain to bite her and turn her into a vampire.