Vampiress Review: "Beverly Hills Vamp"

 

The Gist: Three nerds from the midwest take off for Hollywood for a life of stardom but end up in over their heads when they head to a a vampire run brothel on their first night.

Clarification: This film by Fred Olen Ray is one of those old school "USA Up All Night" classics that is EXTREMELY hard to find now a days (if you find a copy jump on it IMMEDIATELY).  It's 80's B movie magic at it's finest, full of bad puns and R rated humor to the point that it's so bad that you have to like it.  Especially Eddie Deezen as super nerd "Kyle" who is probably the only one in the world to end up in a bed with a hot girl in lingerie and try to run and that's long before she breaks out with the fangs.

Selling Point: It's a movie that consists of naked women with fangs and tons of sex humor which is always a great combo.

Female Vampire Factor: This film gets a Vampire Beauty Rating of 5 out of 5.  The movie is all about how hot they are.  As a matter of fact the only non hot thing about them is what happens to them when they touch holy water.  That's definitely not pretty at all.  Otherwise it's 80+ minutes of hot fanged women in lingerie with goofy comedy in between.

Vampiress Cast

Britt Ekland (Madamme Cassandra)

  AKA the hot blonde bond girl from "The Man With the Golden Gun", a much older (but still hot) Ekland plays the owner of the brothel and head vampire of the group.  Most of her air time consists of her attempting to make bad puns regarding her dislike of the "Beverly Hills Cops" and directing the girls. 

Jillian Kesner (Claudia)

The sexy late actresses character Claudia is the one who handles clients who are into a much rougher version of having a good time.  She's very much a dominatrix just without the whips and chains and ball gags (all the girls at the bordello dress very classy).  She's one of the first vamps to vamp out on screen and unfortunately for her she's also the first the hunters encounter to take out (and it isn't pretty what happens to her either). 

Debra Lamb (Jessica)

Jessica is the glamor of the group.  When she ends up in the bedroom with one of the nerds named Russell all he wants out of her is to take sexy pictures of her in and out of her lingerie.  She's also really into talking dirty as she explains to Kyle while he's vampire hunting how all she wants to do is bite his neck, drink his vital juices and make him her sex slave for all eternity (before groping him and giving him the old "is there a stake in your pocket or are you glad to see me" line).  

Michelle Bauer (Kristina)

Scream Queen Bauer who has appeared as a vampire in a few other films after this including 1995's Blonde Heaven (which for reasons beyond me has since been renamed "Morgana" for it's DVD release) was the vampire originally assigned to have sex with then drain movie protagonist Kyle.  Because Kyle is loyal to his girlfriend he wants nothing to do with her and ends up escaping.  She almost gets her hands on Kyle through hypnosis (or as True Blood would call it "glamoring") but he came prepared with a cross on his boxer shorts.  I can't say Kyle won out in that case if going out also meant he was going to get a happy ending.

Brigitte Burdine (Molly)

The late actress who spent her last years of her life as a casting director for popular video games played the midwest girlfriend that Kyle was so loyal too.   Eventually she gets worried about Kyle and heads to L.A. to find out what's going on with him.  When she gets their the only one she finds is Brock (Tim Conway Jr.) has has already been turned into a vampire by the girls in the bordello who then volunteers to help her look for Kyle.  The next time we see her is at the end of the movie where Kyle believes that everything has gone back to normal after killing the head vampire until you see that Brock and Molly both now have fangs and are going after him.